10 Hilarious Things To Say On A First Date NEVER

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Are you sweating profusely, bordering on drunk, and having trouble remembering simple conversational topics and/or your own last name? Congrats: you’re on a first date. We’ve all been there, anxiously chugging overpriced cocktails to ease the suffocating awkwardness. You may not be a first date pro, but as long as you steer clear of the following, you won’t go down in the first date hall of shame.

“I was thinking we could go back to my place, open a bottle of wine, and look at all 57 of my Pinterest boards.”

“Woof, that second burrito was a mistake.”

“And then I basically just barfed right into the beer bottle, which made cleanup a lot easier.”

“Can you get that waiter back over here? I could totally hit a second round of that gold-dusted lobster. You’re paying, right?”

“My ex and I are actually still really close. And by ‘close’ I mean we sleep together. But only when we’re drunk.”

“Your teeth seem suspiciously large to me. Are they real?”

“I try to read Mein Kampf at least twice a year.”

“We’re going to have to cut this short. I’ve got a cockfight to get to.”

“When I first met you, I totally assumed you were gay.”

“Yep, I think it’s safe to say that my mime lessons have paid off handsomely.”