I am a runner. I ran in a relay race from Miami to Key West, I have finished two half-marathons wearing a Tinkerbell costume (complete with blinking wand and tiara), and I did pretty okay in the New York City marathon. Please don’t hate me — I know I would. Here’s why: I think runners are generally intolerable people who I can’t stand and sometimes I hate myself so much for it that I have to… go out for a long run. I apologize and admit that it’s one of my worst qualities. And I have a ton of bad qualities. I would never date me. And I wouldn’t date another runner, either. I AM A HUGE, HYPOCRITICAL, CLOSE-MINDED A-HOLE AND I KNOW IT. But in honor of National Running Day, which is June 6, here’s what I’m sayin’:
They often think their accomplishments deserve more merit than they actually do.
This is going to sound so bitchy, but I am not that impressed by most runners. Most of the time it’s because they’re not actually that fast. But even if they are, I find myself not caring. So when a guy is telling me about his awesome times, I either do not agree that the times are awesome, or I have a hard time compartmentalizing in my mind where that information should go because I don’t care. I’m glad runners care, but I’m sorry, I just don’t. There, we disagree. And like most sports, I am pretty uninterested in talking about running anyway. I think sometimes — wow, I’m just going to say it. I think they think they are better than everyone else, and that they have done something that mere mortals cannot do. Calm down, runners. In high school, my coach used to tell us “be dumb, just run.” And while I know it does take a lot of mental strength and brain power to discipline yourself to be a good runner, there is this aspect to it that’s like, just move your legs faster. Just train every day. Just tap the treadmill up a notch. Just put one foot in front of the other. It can be done.
I am generally not attracted to them.
Runners are often tall, lanky, and awkward. They are often awkward because at a young age, their parents noticed they could not kick a ball or catch things, so instead of putting them in soccer or football, they made their children run. That is exactly why I am a runner and I have come to terms with that about myself. (Well, I mean, I can’t kick stuff or catch things. I am NOT tall and/or lanky.) But I don’t want to date it. Also, this guy just sh*t his pants.
If you’ve ever worn a running medal, I don’t want to have anything to do with you.
I actually have a theory that how long you wear your running medal after a race is in direct correlation to how big of a douchebag you are. (In short, a bad ranking in the race x a long amount of time spent under the medal = you’re a huge d-bag. The winner of the entire race can wear it for awhile, but otherwise, you’d better just pass on wearing it all together.) In New York City, I see people wearing their marathon medals two days after the race, and that is just ridiculous. That means they’ve changed clothes, showered, ate, slept, had sex, and they keep putting the thing back on. As if it matters.
They are often obsessive about running.
Which leads me to believe they’d be weird and obsessive in other areas. Like they probably have some mild yet annoying form of OCD and they always have to wear plaid on Thursdays or they’ll go nuts, or they have to eat peanut butter after every single meal. OR THEY’LL KILL ME.
It takes long-distance runners forever to do their thing.
I don’t mean sex, hornballs. I mean when they go out for a run, they might not be back for hours and hours and hours. Which would actually be good if they were dating me because I’d dislike them so much and I’d just be like “YES PLEASE GO!” But what if I wanted them to clean the apartment or do something nice for me? Then it would just ONLY SUCK.
I hate running with guys. HAAAATTEEEE.
First of all, the number one reason I like to run is because it affords me alone time to think and categorize my life and daydream that I am a famous drummer and listen to Hole’s “Violet” over and over and over and over and over and over and over. Generally, I don’t want anyone raining on that awesome parade. But also, it is nearly impossible to find someone to match your speed, whatever that speed may be. I run for a long time, and my legs do not move quickly. I don’t want to sprint over to that tree. I want to run slowerish, much farther than that tree. Leave me alone!
Runners. They’re so weird, it’s like, ridiculous!
Not really. Runners often do kind of crazy things like use the word “fartlek,” piss on the sides of roads, and lather themselves with Vasoline. And they often think those things make them unique individuals. I don’t think it’s funny you used the word “fartlek” — it’s a real word. Swedish in origin. You’re not interesting because you’ve done these pretty normal things that are necessary for your sport. I have heard so many runners say “yeah, we’re weird!” and wear it like a badge of pride. YES, runners you ARE weird. But not in the good way. You know who is weird in a good way? Steve Buscemi. Do you ever hear Steve Buscemi bragging about how crazycoolweird he is? No. Oooo… caution! Crazy runners ahead, watch out! Nice legs, haha! Wooo!
So much unnecessary stuff.
Another reason I like running is that it’s so simple. I don’t need gear or a special court. I just need my running shoes and I’m good to go. But the typical hardcore runner has little water bottles to wear around his waist, unnecessary power gels, things for stretching, and ridiculous gadgets. If you love running, love it for running. Not for the $400 running shorts you just shopped ’till you dropped for. (I run in Victoria’s Secret pajama bottoms from 1999 sometimes.)
Those shorts are unflattering.
Running shorts do not give me a lady boner. They’re too short and flap around in the wind like girly little fairy wings. And I can’t take any guy seriously after I see him wearing a pair of Vibrams.
Soccer players are better.
I recently listed 10 reasons you should start dating a soccer player right now, and I stand behind those reasons. And none of them also apply to runners — there is no overlap.