Wednesday night, ABC debuted its shiny mid-season comedy, Mixology. Billed as a glossy rom-com romp set in a swanky Meat Packing District bar called Mix where a slew of singletons will try their luck at dating in the Manhattan bar scene, Mixology is high on gloss and low on just about everything else. (Sounds like every other Ryan Seacrest project.) But if half-hearted writing and a setting ripped from a single season two episode of Sex and the City wasn’t enough, this saucy series actually purports to give us advice on our love lives.
And however swayed you are by the vapid call of cheap romantic flicks in which everyone is connected with frail strings and “hilarious” run-ins (think Valentine’s Day over 12 half hours of precious television-watching time), do not, under any circumstances take a lick of advice from this delusional sitcom-slash-dating manual. If you do and wind up a weird old cat lady or the sort of lonely guy who raises pigeons on his roof, just know that you were fully warned. (Also, Mike Tyson raised pigeons on his roof so you’re in good company.)
We’ve seen the series premiere as well as its second episode and we can assert, these are some of the worst things you could possibly do in a bar full of hot strangers:
1. Assume That Women Wearing Flats Don’t Want to Get Laid
The series’ red-bearded pseudo protagonist and supposedly loveable bro Bruce asserts this hard and fast rule in the first few seconds of the show, but apparently he missed the part where he lives in Manhattan and Miss Ballerina Flats over there is probably wearing flats because she is a Manhattan resident who generally walks to different locales and isn’t a fan of getting her stilettos stuck in a subway grate. Making it even worse, the Meatpacking District has cobblestone streets.
2. Rape Jokes Make You Look Adorable
The trio of bros at the center of the series all swap dating advice when the suave one tells his shy friend, “You rape and you pillage! [The women in this bar.]” Before adding, oh maybe don’t do the rape part. Well isn’t that just adorable the way he so easily threw out the idea of sexual assault – what a loveable screw-up and scamp he is – says no one.
3. It’s Okay To Repeatedly Hook Up With a Hottie Who Refuses to Remember Your Name
Casey, the waitress at this Manhattan watering hole, starts out by breaking up with the hot bartender but when he’s not upset, she keeps throwing herself at him until he admits that despite sleeping with her numerous times, he has no idea what her name is. Her reaction? She jumps those bones in the backroom. Isn’t degradation so super sexy?
4. You Should Try To Have Sex With Sloppy, Visibly Drunk People
Not only does Bruce continually refer to “popping off” and “poontosh” because this is network TV and you get fined when your characters say “jack off” or “poontang” (and because this dialog must have been written by drunk frat bros), he also makes a bee line for a girl puking by the bathroom. “I’m gonna bang that out,” he says as he parades across the bar to take advantage of an incapacitated woman. You know what’s not sexy? Hooking up with someone who’s too drunk to tell you, “hell no.”
5. Rejecting a Cute Guy is Like ‘Committing a Hate Crime’
This is something a white, British man named Ron says to an engaged woman he’s repeatedly hit on in this bizarro world bar. And this was after he got so drunk he threw up in his blind date’s purse. But he sounds like Hugh Grant, so what a catch!
6. Being Horribly Mean Makes Men Like You
Okay, this one’s actually true. It’s stupid and might make you feel horrible, but you will probably get yourself a few phone numbers. It’s why recently-dumped, weepy Tom loses his mind over killjoy Claire. But to be fair, she’s also wearing a pretty awesome necklace.
7. If You Know Anything About Things Women Enjoy, Women Will Refuse to Sleep With You
When shy guy Tom mentions the word “wedges” to a woman wearing wedges in front of his wingmen, Bruce pulls him aside and tells him he’s going to put their entire group in the “GFC” or “Gay Friend Zone.” Right, because knowing what a shoe is makes you incapable of being attracted to the women you are so clearly hitting on. It’s just flawless logic, really.
8. If Your Fiancé is Boring, You Should Cheat With An Interesting Person With An Accent
Claire’s best friend Liz is happily engaged to a boring, sweet man who likes to watch all the same terrible CBS sitcoms she likes. (Do you know how hard it would be to find someone who admits they actually watch all the CBS sitcoms in Manhattan? Impossible.) Still, she thinks she needs more, so rather than having a talk with the man she agreed to marry, she makes a tipsy, last-second decision to have drinks with a drunk Englishman who just ran his company into the ground – and if you remember – threw up in a woman’s purse and called turning down a drink a “hate crime.” Excellent decision, Lizzie girl. Very mature.
9. Sending a Woman Any Drink Made With Blue Curacao Is A Cute Idea
Are you trying to make her throat burn? Do you want her to skip work the next day because her head feels like there’s an alien clawing its way out of her brain? Are you hoping she’s an NYU co-ed who’s just there to get free drinks from suckers? Tom must. He sends a Blue Hawaii to Claire, and we’re supposed to think it’s about as adorable as Ted stealing that blue French horn for Robin on How I Met Your Mother, but all we can think is “ATOMIC HANGOVER.”
10. Take Any Bartender’s Flirtation Seriously
Jess, the hot single mom and sadly the most down-to-Earth character in this whole ensemble, is about to leave because in two short episodes she’s been puked on, told she should lower her standards for the detestable Bruce, and insulted by her vapid frenemy who was just shipped here from a ‘90s movie. But then, the hot bartender – who just banged the waitress in the back room – tells her she looks nice and she orders up another round. Take a bartender’s compliment but just know that is his job; do not hinge your self-worth upon this tip-raising moment, because you will feel terrible later.
11. Spend Even a Second of Your Time in a Bar That Even Remotely Reminds You of Mix
Seriously. You’ve got Weepy McGee (Tom) getting advice from the creepiest man on television this side of True Detective (Beardly Bruce); there’s the self-deprecating single mom who’s not sure there’s anyone “crazy enough” to marry her (Jess); the obnoxiously stupid, masochistic waitress (Casey); the insanely mean business woman (Claire) and her wet blanket friend who’s willing to cheat because her mean friend says she’s boring (Liv). And let’s not forget Ron: the drunk, philandering, former start-up tycoon who hits on engaged women and throws up in places he shouldn’t. Maybe you should just try Tinder. I’d rather watch a show about that.