Advice

He Said/ She Said: Why She Didn’t Call You Back

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Ask Men published two articles recently on an age-old (or since-there-have-been-telephones-old, anyway) question: Why didn’t she call back? One piece was written by a dude (internationally recognized dating expert David Wygant) and one was written by a lady (tell-it-like-it-is memoirist Rachel Khona) and, guess what? The opinions expressed on the matter are, in fact, different. But, probably not in the way you’d expect.

David Wygant stresses that, if you want to a woman to call you back, you have to make an emotional connection.

“Men feel connected by sharing activities; women feel connected by sharing stories, words and emotions, ” explains Wygant, “When you go on your next date, ask yourself, ‘What three things did I learn about her?’ and ‘What did I share about myself with her?’ The answers to those questions are what build a relationship.”

Wygant’s take on your date’s disappearing act can be summed up as “You didn’t listen, you didn’t share and, therefore, you didn’t connect.” It’s certainly not bad advice, but does it point to the real reason behind the radio silence? Let’s get a woman’s two cents on the matter.

For starters, Rachel Khona gives seven ways that you probably blew it, instead of just one, so take notes. By the way, none of them have anything to do with emotions.

1.She Was Using You For A Drink
You might want to check for signals that she’s interested before you buy her a drink next time.

2. You Called Her By The Wrong Name
In other words, you’re an idiot.

3. She Met Someone Else
It happens.

4. It Took You Too Long To Call
Khona says if you wait more than 3 days, it seems like you’re not really interested or playing games. (How many guys out there are like “Whoops,” right now? Watching Swingers too many times really screwed us all up…)

5. She Saw You Flirting With Someone Else
Classy.

6. You Used Your Phone
While you were talking to her, she means.

7. You Talked About Yourself Too Much
Seems like you’re trying too hard or actually that self-involved.

8. She Saw Your Bad Habit(S)
Nervous ticks, excessive smoking or drinking. You waved a red flag in her face, basically.

Nowhere in Khona’s (exstensive) list is any notion that you didn’t connect, you weren’t nice enough, you didn’t listen, you weren’t romantic, or any of the other cliches about what women want from men. The takeaway from Khona’s list is more like: “She picked up on your bullshit and doesn’t have time for it.”

Just to get everything out in the open, there is a significant age gap between Khona and Wygant (Khona being the younger of the two) which could account for the difference in perspective. Wygant might be speaking to an audience who is fed up with the hook-up scene and ready to settle down, whereas Khona’s attitude may be that of a woman is happy enough to be single for the time-being. Still, it’s interesting that Wygant’s perspective betrays some sentimentality and Khona’s is pretty cut and dry.

Despite their differences, both writers seem to agree that A) Women (rightfully or not) think most guys are, you know, douchebags and B) if you want to get her attention you have to stand apart.

[Ask Men: Why Won't She Call Back?]
[Ask Men: Why She Didn't Call You Back]