There are romantics among us who flit from date to date, hookup to hookup, all in search of that ever-elusive true love. Then there are those who relish the slam for the slam’s sake, keeping things easy as well as breezy, culling a coterie of bangfriends to meet their more carnally-centered needs. Though I’ve been in both camps over the years, these days I’m proudly a member of the latter – and for those still on the fence, I’ve got a whole bunch of reasons why bangfriends beat boyfriends any day of the week.
1. You get to bang more friends.
This one is pretty straightforward, and is likely the biggest boon of the bangfriend scenario. When you’ve got a lot of love to give, having a nicely curated slamfarm gives you the opportunity to indulge this rather generous side of yourself in a manner that keeps things both lively and refreshing. Variety is the spice of life, as the time-tested idiom goes, and when it comes to the smorgasbord of beautiful babes out there, you may as well taste the entire rainbow.
2. Snuggle on your schedule.
Everyone can get down with a little night-to-morning cuddle, but if you’d rather spend this time in peace, you can directly or indirectly show them the door. And do so with relative impunity. I’ve got a friend who’s completely shameless about booting a non-serious bone-buddy out the door any time, day or night. Cold? Maybe. Ballsy? Yes. But the world at large can really benefit from a little more directness, and real talk with your bangfriends is a fine place to start.
3. Versatility in hanging.
Whether you’re attending a poetry reading, bro-ing down with some beer pong, or twerkin’ at a rave, at least one of your bangfriends will be more than happy to escort you, depending on their taste. Fear no more the plaintive cry of your significant other as you drag them to see your hipster friend perform spoken acoustic indie rock from behind a papier-mâché mask in an East Village basement. There’s bound to be someone who’ll hop on that artshow board and surf it straight to the slam shore with you.
4. Versatility in banging.
Feel like indulging in a 40-minute makeout? Feel like engaging in acts that would make Dr. Ruth run for cover? Feel like screwing in the bathroom of a bar between games of pool? There’s a bangfriend for that! I know a fellow whose freak flag flies higher (and more diversely) than most. Rather than foisting his wildest sexual proclivities upon one less-than-willing receiver, he’s found it just makes sense to spread the love. Instead of forcing a variety of desires on one square peg, go out and find that round peg. And triangle peg. And trapezoid peg too, while you’re at it. I mean, we all have a bunch of holes.
5. Freedom from emotional shackles.
Sure, the friend/bodylover crossroads can be a slippery slope of feelings, but when your bangfriend has a fight with his roommate or hates her boss, you don’t have to be the shoulder to cry on. One lovely ladypal of mine is worn out from hearing about her boyfriend’s sick parakeet. Slam associates need not venture into that tiring territory.
6. You don’t have to go to brunch with them.
Extending the morning-after with weak conversation over some shitty, hard-yolked eggs Benedict is not necessary. Save the trouble and do hood rat stuff with your friends instead.
7. Casual fit is a good look.
Whether you’re between significant others or just not really a “relationship person,” pleasant company with a sexual slant can prevent those unwanted nights of weeping alone during that Forrest Gump marathon on AMC.
8. Not a keeper? Who cares!
If your friends complain that this person talks too much, smells weird, is boring, or sucks at Twitter, at the end of the day it doesn’t matter. I’ve deflected all these charges and more in regards to different bone options I’ve entertained. But it’s fine, because a bangfriend isn’t about looking for a lifetime of love – just a few nights and a couple rowdy mornings.
9. There when you want ‘em, gone when you don’t.
There’s no catering to another’s whims here – if you love going to the movies alone or wanna hang out with just these bros or just these chicks, you can do that. In past relationships I’ve been a real hanger-on, stuck like a barnacle to my significant other’s side. The distance already inherent in a bangfriend affair makes it much easier to embrace independence on either end, preventing frustration on that front.
10. The sexual safety net.
Did you try and fail to score with the exotic hottie across the bar? We all strike out sometimes – but you can save the game with a good pinch-hitter. So, just before last call rolls around, reach out to your pipeline of available homies. Because a fleshly nightcap is often the best kind.
11. Easy come, easy go.
Since your intention isn’t to find the Love of Your Life, if one easy-banger slips away it’s no sweat; simply find another. On the flipside, if you find Bangfriend 2.0, kicking an old one to the curb is as easy as not answering their texts anymore. Or, more respectfully, telling Bangfriend 1.0 what’s up. A roomie of mine has a Tinder rotation that refreshes itself faster than a Williamsburg yogi at a juice bar. Hard feelings don’t have time to percolate here.
12. No mandatory hangouts with awkward high school friends and family (besides your own).
One awesome chickbud complains that her boyfriend’s chums are loud, obnoxious, and difficult to be around. Well, skip out on that jazz because you’re just a bangfriend.
13. Pilot eject button.
Did their drunk roommate puke on your favorite cardigan? Did you accidentally fall off the bed, hit your head against a nightstand, and get a concussion? The aforementioned Tinder-loving roomie once experienced a harrowing interruption of a hang ‘n’ bang and was deeply troubled in the aftermath. But, she didn’t like him all that much. It’s much easier to never speak of this again if you never speak to them again.
14. There’s serenity in the shallow end.
With an ideal easy lover, you simply don’t have to reach the point of treading through the family history of mania, or even realize they chew with their mouth open. We’ve all experienced our own versions of Seinfeld’s man-hands or closetalker. But with a casual bangfriend, limited exposure to their imperfections helps keep the magic alive.
Let these cheeky reasons serve as a reminder that fulfillment is a destination reached through myriad routes — and there’s much respect to be had for the well-versed traveler. If it strikes your fancy, why don’t you get yourself a first-class ticket on the bangfriend express? As many a happy passenger can attest, the view is mighty nice.