Just because you’re bringing your boyfriend or girlfriend home for a weekend doesn’t mean you are going to stop wanting to have sex. There are huge risk factors involved and you have to be quite cagey. But unauthorized sex can be exhilarating. Here are 15 ways to do it under your parents’ roof without them suspecting a thing. (Here’s hoping my mom doesn’t read The Date Report today.)
Come Prepared. But Not Too Prepared.
Make sure you BYO-condoms. Even if your parents had them, you wouldn’t ask. But leave any sex toys and the jug-o-lube at home. The dog could get into your bag or something, and dogs love toys of all kind and are always up to shenanigans.
Quiet sex can be fun! It is a literally effortless way to switch things up.
You Know What’s Hotter Than Quiet Sex? Fast, Quiet Sex.
If you’re hanging out in your room with your boyfriend or girlfriend, you probably have no more than 10 minutes before your mom asks you if you want her to make you huevos rancheros or a sandwich. Again. So here are 6 tips for an awesome quickie.
I’m Starting To Think This Is Why Shower Sex Was Invented.
The water will be louder than you if you follow rule #2, and if the bathroom is connected to where you are sleeping the set up here will not be a problem. Start brushing your teeth, then turn the water on. Nobody will notice. And of course nobody is going to barge in on you — you’re wash-clothing your boobies, cleansing your between-the-cheeks, doing naked yoga — whatever you do in the shower is your privacy. Everyone knows that. Unless you live in a really weird family. If you’re curious, this happens to be the best position for shower sex.
Plus: If You Must: 6 Rules For Sex On A Plane
“Mom, We’re Just Listening To My Old New Kids On The Block Tapes Don’t Come In Here.”
Drown out the noise with music. You’ve always wanted to bang to Vanilla Ice, way-cranked up, right? You know what also works? Old Are You Afraid Of The Dark VHS tapes. Man! I want to do that anyway!
Remember this perfect-if-you’re-tired sex position? It’s good for if you’re trying to be discreet, too. It looks like you’re taking a nap! (Should anyone burst in the room.)
Avoid The Squeaky Couch.
You know, the squeaky couch. The one that has been squeaky since 1988.
If there’s a baby in the house, you’re in luck! This happens if you’re staying with your brother and his wife or something. They will definitely want a romantic night out (and by the way, they will be secretly having sex away from you, too.) Babies are pretty unintelligent when it comes to catching on to these things, and even if they do sense something they will probably lack the communication skills to tattle on you. Still, make sure you’re in a separate room. This is the kind of thing that could come up in therapy years later.
Sex In The Car.
Well, everything about this visit has been a blast from the past so far — you’re staying in the same room from high school, you’re wearing the same sweat shirt from high school, etc. — so let’s roll with the punches and have sex just like you did in high school, too. In the car. (PPST: Here are 5 ways to hook up in a car.)
Really Early Morning Sex
Set the alarm earlier than anyone else will. And if you’re at your parents’ place, that might mean 4:30 AM. You can always go back to sleep.
Jet Out For A Jog
A sex jog, that is! Tell your parents you’re going for a run, and mid-run, find a secluded place. See, this is fun! Make sure your exercise routine is more long-distance, though. You don’t want to get caught f*cking on the neighbor’s toy slide, 200 yards away.
To The Basement!
Tell your parents that you want to look at old photo albums or something. They might get the hint.
“Let’s ALL Watch These Old Home Movies!”
Turn something on the TV that everyone will want to watch and be engrossed in. Everyone except you and your S.O. Then run away. This also works for big football games, a new episode of Mad Men, and the President just announcing that he did not let Monica Lewinsky give him a blow job.
Just Tell Them You Want To Have Sex And Ask Them To Leave
You have got to have balls the size of grapefruits to ask your parents to scram so you can have sex in their house. Sure, if you have an insanely cool relationship with your parents, you can. I’m guessing you should ask your same-sex parent to knock the awkwardness down a notch. If this concept doesn’t seem weird to you, do it. (Maybe buy them a dinner… out of the house and far away?) Just remember: you’ll be missing out on New Kids On The Block, quiet car sex on the neighbor’s swing set.