The Official Guide To Roommate Sex Etiquette

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It is your unalienable right to have sex in your home, and neither ruler nor roommate can take that away from you. But for a home life that’s as happy as your sex life, a little roommate consideration is in order. Here’s some very basic roommate etiquette to keep you and your living partners feeling comfortable with bringing people home.

No One Who Isn’t Currently Having Sex With You Should Hear You
Contrary to what Xtube might lead you to believe, it is physically possible to have sex quietly. Save the gratuitous moaning and enthusiastic exclamations for a time when your roommate isn’t home. If you really have to have sex in your room while people are around, at least turn on some loud music or a movie to muffle any extraneous sounds.

Of course, slip-ups do happen. You might not be aware that a roommate is home, or might get so caught up in the moment that you forget to be quiet. Hopefully your roommate will just slip on some headphones and let it slide: remember to do the same for them if the situation is ever reversed.

Also, No One Who Isn’t Currently Having Sex With You Should SEE You Having Sex
For god sake, close the door if you’re having sex. Just do it. And while it’s an unspoken agreement that while roommates are out of town, you are allowed to have sex on nearly every surface of the home, you should leave no evidence of this and certainly refrain from doing so if there’s any possibility of your roommate coming home unexpectedly.

If you’re still in college and sharing a bedroom with a roommate, do not have sex while the roommate is in the room. Even if they’re “asleep.” (They are never asleep. They are completely aware of what you’re doing.)

On Shower Sex
Do whatever you want in the shower, but not if someone else has to use the bathroom for non-recreational purposes (like getting ready for work in the morning).

The One Place You Should Never Have Sex…
…is your roommate’s bed.

Alert Your Roommate to the Fact That You Have A Guest
If you bring someone home, especially if it’s a stranger, try your best to let your roommate know, so they aren’t caught unawares in their pajamas and hair rollers or what have you. It’s not imperative that you do so, but definitely polite.

Have an Old-School Signal
If you’re in your room with someone, try and figure out a subtle signal to alert your roommate to this fact (keys in the door? A rubber band?) so that they don’t come knocking on your door about the electricity bill at an inopportune moment.

Remember, Do Unto Others…
It’s up to both of you — you and your roommate — to be respectful of each other’s sex lives. You’re both adults, and you’re not living in a convent: sex is going to happen. Be respectful when you’re having sex, and try not to begrudge your roommate too much when it’s their turn. If worse comes to worst, always have a pair of headphones near by.