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1. Something that’s actually for you or that you would want, if you were a woman.

We don’t have to tell you not to buy her the XBOX game that you want (do we?). But before you buy that big orange watch or those really dangly earrings, ask yourself: would my girlfriend like a big, orange watch? Has she ever worn long earrings before? You may like them, but keep her taste in mind.

2. Lingerie.

What did I tell you about not buying gifts for yourself? Anyway, lingerie is too predictable and if it’s too big or too small, she’ll be insulted. You do not want to make her feel unsexy on Valentine’s Day.

3. Chocolates, stuffed animals, or flowers.

This may come as a shock, but none of these gifts prove you care. They only prove that you know the way to the nearest Walgreens.

4. Live animals.

When you give a woman a live animal, she begins to think one of two things. First, “Is he trying to see if I’ll make a good mother by analyzing my animal parenting skills?” or secondly, “Is he giving me this animal so that I’ll focus more on it than on him?”

5. Gift cards.

You might as well just pick up some chocolates at Walgreens.

Courtney is one of the last single girls in the Bible Belt. She blogs about it here, and you can follow her on Twitter here.