Advice

5 Morning-After Escape Routes

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There’s nothing quite like waking up in an unfamiliar bed with an unfamiliar dude resting his unfamiliar bits all over your very familiar parts. You may tell yourself — to quote a song you were probably dancing to last night at 4 AM — “this is not my beautiful house.” But how exactly do you extract yourself from an awkward morning-after situation without having to sneak out of half-awake homeboy’s window, or, you know, admit that you have no idea what his name is?

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The Family Outing Method: Practice this phrase, “I can’t believe it’s so late! I totally forgot that I am supposed to shop/ get brunch/ do my tax return with my father/ ex-Marine older brother/ increasingly senile Bubbe.” By pulling out the family card your bedfellow can’t suggest blowing it off without seeming like a douche, or casually invite himself along without seeming like he’s trying to wifey you.

The “Oh Sh*t, I forgot my Meds” Method: Pop out of bed and begin to frantically rummage through your purse while muttering to yourself, “Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday…What’s today, again? How could I have forgotten to take my Yaz three days in a row?” Alternately substitute your birth control method of choice for any number of mood-stabilizing pharmaceuticals, an insulin injection, etc.

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The Crazy Girl Method: Bore your eyes into his forehead until he wakes up, then once he sees you staring at him, burst hysterically into tears. Go fetal, rock back and forth, and in between sobs talk about how you broke your commitment to your boyfriend–or Jesus.

The Clingy Hopeful Method: Make yourself comfortable. When he gets up to shower, slip into one of his T-shirts and follow him to the bathroom, all the while talking about how you don’t have any real concrete plans for the day. Ask if he has an extra toothbrush, then ask if it’s cool to store it there for “the next time.” More likely than not he will suddenly remember that he has to shop/ get brunch/ do his tax return with his father/ ex-Marine older brother/ increasingly senile Bubbe.

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The Last Ditch Escape Through the Window Method: Ask him to get you a glass of water then book it out of the window while he’s in the other room. If you are still wearing your shoes from last night, consider leaving them on the sill as a parting gift. This way you won’t break your ankle when you drop from the fire escape.

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