Advice

34 People Everyone Should Date At Least Once

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It’s a big, big world out there. Lots to see, lots to do. People-wise, I mean. It really is true what they say: there are plenty of fish in the sea. And by fish I mean dicks. There are a lot of dicks out there (the good, penis kind, not the “you’re an asshole” kind, although there are plenty of those as well). There’s also a lot of vagina. Most often, these genitals are attached to human people you might consider dating.

We’re encouraged, in romance, to look for our Other Halves. The perfect person who will make us feel complete. The one flaw in this approach — aside from the fact that “soul mates” is a concept invented by Disney to sell mugs — is that it isn’t much fun. If you’re always on the look out for Mr. Right, you miss out on a lot of Ms. Right Now Why Nots, you know what I mean? Relax, guys. You’ve got time to find your penguin. Why not check out some of these mallards/geese/weird janky park pigeons in the meantime?

Here are 34 different people you should try to go on at least one date with.

  • well-read potheads
  • sensitive jocks
  • nautical tattoo girls
  • someone just undeniably way out of your league
  • a guy in a band (one time)
  • lady stoners
  • dog walkers
  • a much older gentleman
  • a much, much older woman
  • someone named “Jason” but they spell it “Jay Sun”
  • a super positive norm-o
  • basically just a younger version of your mom or dad
  • cosplayers (they’re inventive)
  • gayish straight dudes
  • straightish gay dudes
  • a hat person
  • steampunk?
  • aggressive banker type (for the hate sex)
  • someone who still says “wazzzaaaappp”
  • your friend’s parent
  • your friend’s younger sibling
  • revenge alternate-universe version of your ex
  • someone you’re secretly ashamed to be seen with in public
  • a merchant seaman
  • a semen merchant
  • your full doppelgänger
  • someone who doesn’t speak your language (more fun than it sounds)
  • a professor
  • a teen wolf
  • a wronged woman
  • someone else’s crazy ex
  • pyromaniac
  • a Manny
  • someone just like you, who totally gets you and is turned on by all the same things as you, who laughs when you laugh, cries when you cry. Jerk off in front of a mirror, is what I’m saying. Just once! Why not??