Ed. note: This post was originally published in December (see: Brett Favre reference) but a reminder never hurt anyone.
Oh, Brett Favre, and the countless men out there like him: You really don’t get it, do you? Girls like a little romance, and a low-grade picture of your dick does not romance make. If you absolutely insist on thrusting a picture of a penis before our eyes, please at least follow some gentle advice.
1. Please Be Circumspect About Your Intended Recipient.
Does she work for you? Don’t send. Is she under 21? Don’t send. Is she a stranger? Don’t send. Are you not even in a relationship with her? Don’t send. Could you possibly be sued for sexual harassment? Don’t send.
2. Are You SURE about this?
I mean, are you sure sure sure? Most girls will not like this! Your girlfriend sees your penis a lot, she doesn’t need to see it in hipstamatic on her iPhone.
Of course there are some girls who would react favorably to this, but only if the picture is done correctly.
3. No straight up dick shots.
This is where guys and girls are different: guys can be turned on by anatomical parts, girls are usually turned on by them only when they’re attached to someone they like.
4. Put a little art into it.
No, you don’t need to set up a tableau, but like, seeing used tissues or balled up socks in the corner sort of ruins the mood. Make sure you’re accounting for the entire shot.
5. Use humor to ease your way into it.
In Sloane Crosley’s piece for GQ, she writes of receiving pictures from a boyfriend:
“Him, naked, sensually pushing down on a French press. Him, naked, bathing in a bathtub of open books. As the pictures pinged in, each one a little zanier than the next, I became addicted to them. I looked for excuses to stand by myself and open them. Their comedy was key.”
Especially if it’s your first time sending them and you aren’t sure how she’ll react, self-deprecating humor takes away a little of the squeamish factor.
6. Your expression is just as important as your penis.
So lose the purposefully, trying way-too-hard, smouldering look, and be yourself.
7. Gauge her reaction.
Hopefully, if you did it right, your girl will have appreciated your vainglorious efforts. Especially for long-distance romances, a picture can be a nice little reminder.
If she says “That’s nice, but, not for me…”, you must never, ever, ever send her pictures again. Deal?
Good luck, guys!