Advice

6 Rules For Writing The Perfect Love Note To Your Lady

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You might not have woken up this morning thinking about how you could write a love letter to your lady. (Perhaps you were too busy bemoaning your bad decisions last night and the Summer Ales that preceded them.) But, if you’d only wipe the remnants of that orange wedge off your lip and get with the program, you’d realize how a little piece of stationary tucked under a phone, maybe a napkin stuck to the toothpaste with your distinctive scrawl and a slightly imperfect heart would make up for any transgressions, and make your girl’s day. Yes, you really should write a love letter right now, because it can convey things that you, with your ums and your uh-huhs simply cannot articulate. Here, 6 easy ways to make what worked in WWII work for you; yup, there was a whole generation borne out of some pretty freaky transatlantic correspondence.

1

Timing is everything

Think long and hard before you slip your love letter inside her steamer trunk. Are we on the Titanic? Is this 1912? Better tape it to the box of wine in the fridge so she’ll actually find it. It’s best to let her find your letter in a place and at a time when she a) least expects it, and b) will actually take a few moments to savor it (like she savors that fine boxed wine you bestowed on her).

2

Don’t be a super-creeper

Even if you are one, a love letter isn’t the optimal way to reveal this to your partner. Consider avoiding the use of letters cut out from magazines — even the sweetest little nothings take on a threatening tone in “ransom” font. Your most comfortable form of handwriting is perfect.

3

Use a consistent tone

If rhyming’s your thing, then stay in your comfort zone. However, if you’re more abstract, then enjoy your fragments and partial recollections without fear of her judgments. But remember: no one gave you permission to go all Raskolnikov on us; better your letters be the musings of a lovesick puppy dog instead of the ramblings of a madman.

4

Always proofread

If you’re the recipient of an otherwise stirring love letter, nothing is a bigger turnoff than poor grammar. Pour your heart out, but do it in such a way that showcases your prowess over commas, and highlights your knowledge of the difference between “two” and “too”. From this, she will absolutely infer your prowess in other, kinkier areas of life, and your infinite knowledge of her erogenous zones.

5

Less I, more You

This should come as no surprise, but your woman wants to hear about herself. Talk up her eyes, her hair, the way she arranges her Beanie Baby collection in the rear window of her Corolla. Whatever gets you going when you think about her, focus on that in your letter and you can’t go wrong (unless you use unflattering analogies, e.g., “I love it when the junk in your trunk wiggles from side to side like 2 dangling water balloons.”) Talk about yourself too much and you can say bye-bye to any post-letter action. Your Country Apple-scented stationary (really, dude? Country Apple?) just went straight into the garbage disposal.

6

Life sucks sometimes. Avoid talking about that

We all understand that you couldn’t plan a special anniversary dinner because you had to get fitted for your eye patch from that freak bumper car accident, but there’s no reason to record that in a letter that could potentially be sealed with a kiss. Also avoid writing a love letter when you are under the influence of sorrow-drowning substances, as they may increase your propensity toward sentences like “When I was trapped in that cave for 8 hours with 6 dudes I met at Burning Man, all I could think about was you.” Like I said, life is hard, avoid highlighting that fact in any love letter, ever. Use positive imagery instead: marshmallows, unicorns, the occasional throbbing…heart. Think more Robert Browning, less Denis Leary.

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