It seems that every time Patron Saint of WTF, Charlie Sheen, opens his mouth, a meme comes out. Take “I’m on a drug called Charlie Sheen” or “I’m not Bi-Polar, I’m Bi-Winning,” for example. That’s just him. Talking.
Here he is on Good Morning America:
Besides providing some of the most entertaining viral content since “Dramatic Chipmunk” (I still got love!), there may be some real wisdom in Chucky’s chatter. Listen closely: the dude is giving some excellent dating advice:
1. Labels are BORING
Labels like “Girlfriend,” “FWB,” or, say, “Drug Addict,” only serve to put limits on the wonders of reality, man. You believe in THE TRUTH. That’s what rules you.
2. Pretending that you don’t know what a word means is a great way to keep the conversation going
“Bi-Polar? What does that mean?” NOW they’ve got something to talk about.
3. Be “Bi-Winning.”
There’s no such thing as a bad date if you’re “bi-winning.” You, got drunk, peed your pants and got kicked out of Dave and Buster’s? SO WHAT? Now your date knows that you’re a freedom machine and if she can’t handle that, she’s BORING.
4. “Move Forward.”
Hey, we all got issues, but being too hung up on them can really impede your dating life. Don’t be all like “uhhhh my mother” on a date. Shut up! Shut up! Move forward.
5. Expose her to magic.
Here’s your new pre-date affirmation: “I have Tiger Blood. I have Adonis DNA. My brain fires on a different level. I am going to expose her to magic tonight.” Compared to you? The other guys look like “droopy-eyed, armless children.”
6. “Can’t is the cancer of Happen.”
I don’t care how out of your league she seems, dude. Is the Nike slogan “Just TRY it?” No. From here on out you have one speed, you have one gear: GO.
7. “You should have read the directions before you showed up at the party.”
You can’t blame anyone else when your date goes badly if you didn’t prepare. You picked a place you’ve never been to and it sucked? There shouldn’t BE a place you haven’t been to. You threw up in the street? You should have know there’s certain blends you should never entertain. Read the instructions. That’s how you WIN.
The unlikely dating guru didn’t stop there. He later dropped these gems on the Today show:
8. Naming the spot you’re in can make it your own.
The Ma-Sheen changed the name of his house to the “Sober Valley Lodge” during his in-house rehab — a name to which he gives partial credit for his radical success.
Any guy can take her to Applebees, man, but she’ll never forget the night that YOU took her to the “Animal Passion Meat House.”
9. Turn tin cans into pure gold.
Just like The Sheen Dream turned lousy “tin can” Two and a Half Men scripts
into “pure gold,” season after season, you can make any date spot EPIC just by BEING YOU.
10. Bring gum for everyone
I think this just means, like, have a condom on you or something.
Chuck later went on to do numerous call-in radio shows, TMZ and, tonight he’ll keep right on WINNING on 20/20. This exemplifies what is perhaps his best piece of unintentional dating advice:
11. Any date, any time, anywhere.
Nervous you’re going to screw up a date? DON’T BE. A date (or a nationally syndicated news show) is just another opportunity to be your awesome EPIC self.
Now quit being a broken down fool, man. Get out there and WIN.