Flying solo this holiday season? Never fear. Here are nine easy steps* to making that “table for one” a “table for fun”!
1. Walk up to the host stand and before they can acknowledge you, yell loudly so everyone can hear, “Yep! Table for one over here! Independent woman. Watch out!” This shows people that you like to have a good time.
2. With any luck, you will be directed to a community table and seated next to a couple sharing an intimate meal. Now it’s showtime.
3. Squeeze in next to your new friends and start up a conversation with, “Sup sluts?! So what are we talking about?”
4. When they start to respond, interrupt them with one of your most recent achievements e.g: “Yeah, my ‘Dogs Wearing Wigs’ Tumblr has really been gaining headway this month. This is gonna open a lot of doors for me.” Remember, people are attracted to success.
5. If they stop talking and start to look down, that means that they’re getting into it. Now is a good time to share an embarrassing anecdote from your childhood, or examine a sexual issue you’ve been working on with your therapist. Don’t worry, they’ll find your openness refreshing.
6. When the waitress/waiter comes by, order a “For Two” menu option, and an entire bottle of wine. This shows that you have a sense of humor about being single and you’re just a fun girl living it up ~iN tHa CiTy~.
7. When the waiter pours your wine, swirl it, sniff it, sip it and say “Meh, I’ve had better.” This is a great restaurant joke, and again will display your comedy skills (which people like.)
8. As soon as it is set down, drink the entire bottle of wine and annihilate the meal for two. You’re not only showing your new couple friends you have a voracious appetite for life, but that you have stamina which also means you’re probably good in bed (should they be down for a threezy, but like you’re totally not suggesting that! But make it clear that if they’re into that kind of thing you would not be opposed…)
9. After the bottle of wine, when you feel yourself loosening up a bit, it’s time to jump up on that table and sing a slow rendition of your favorite song. I recommend “Lonely” by Akon because a.) it’s topical and b.) Akon is the single most underrated artist of our generation.
* Do not repeat more than once per restaurant. It does not go well the second time.
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