Astrological Matches Made In Heaven

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Plus: Astrological Matches Made In Hell

Anyone who’s ever tried to mix vinegar and oil, knows that some things just don’t easily merge unless you shake the everliving crap out of them. The same holds true in astrology. I mean, you can try to pair an earthy Taurus with a breezy Gemini, but unless you chemically alter this relationship with a hand blender, the chances of happily-ever-after are slim. So, what signs do go together as well as filet and Cabernet? Here are some of the best zodiac matches in the whole, wide Milky Way.

Gemini and Libra

Awwww. Look. Two adorable lovers holding hands, now running in circles, now talking an inch from one another’s face, now shopping, now eating, now dancing, now hailing a cab to go somewhere they’ve already forgotten, where is my shoe can we get coffee what’s your name again?

These two flighty, social air signs love people and places and talking and having conversations and chatting. They have been known to leave the house wearing two different color shoes and maybe no pants. But who cares! There’s lots to discuss. What was I saying?

These two will be together forever, or until one of them walks off a cliff mid-sentence.

Famous Example: Stevie Nicks (Gemini) and Lindsey Buckingham (Libra).
(Never mind they’re not currently together. They’re just wandering around aimlessly. They’re in LOVE. LOVE I tell you! Right? RIGHT?!?!?!?!??!)

Plus: 10 Things You Need To Know About Dating A Libra

Cancer and Scorpio

Could life get any more dark and deep and oh-so-romantic? These two brooders cling to one another like Romeo and Juliet on a Titanic lifeboat in a plane that’s crashing into the set of The Notebook. Cry me a river. Oh. They did. THE FUCKING AMAZON OF SWEET DESPAIR.

Anyway, these two lovebirds (I mean buzzards of death) are a match made in a funeral parlor. Nothing is tearing them apart. (Except maybe a well-endowed Pisces)

Famous Example: Tom Hanks (Cancer) and Rita Wilson (Scorpio)

Sagittarius and Leo

Sagittarius is ruled by the hugest planet in the solar system: Jupiter. So, people of this sign are kind of like astrological Texans. They’ve got big plans, big ideas, big mouths, and big heads. They’re fiery and feisty and on the go. Leos are the roaring lions of the zodiac. They’re kings of the celestial jungle — big egos, big manes, big fun.

So, what I’m getting at is these two assholes can just go have their own party somewhere. (But you know you want to be invited.)

Famous Example: Ben Stiller (Sagittarius) and Christine Taylor (Leo)

Capricorn and Virgo

These two refined, classy, wealthy, uptight souls make a beautiful life together. (Note I said LIFE and not LOVE.) This duo will have the most elegant of homes and shiny of silver collections and flossed of teeth and collection of mahogany clothes hangers, but I have no idea what’s going on in the bedroom with these two. Oh, that’s right: the arranging of throw pillows. This match is perfect together in an annoying, civil engineering-meets-CPA kind of way. Please, get these two hitched and off the market; they’re making the rest of us feel ugly and disgusting and poor.

Famous Example: Humphrey Bogart (Capricorn) and Lauren Bacall (Virgo)

Plus: 10 Things You Need To Know About Dating A Virgo

Aquarius and Aquarius

Aquarians are weird. They’re the kind of people who’ll dress in a robot costume to go to a baby shower, knowing full well it’s not a costume party, but hey! Don’t all babies love robots? When you are as other-worldly and odd as this sign, it’s best to find someone who can understand you, or at least tolerate you. Which just leaves Siri and another Aquarian. This match will last forever. Because forever is purple and I am the eggman.

Famous Example: John Travolta (Aquarius) and Dog the Bounty Hunter (Aquarius)
(Wha? Sounds good to me.)

Pisces and Taurus

This is a cute little match. Taurus’s groundedness makes Pisces feel safe, and Pisces dreaminess is inspiring to the practicality of the Bull. So, like I said. A cute little match. Really cute. Like people should barf on these two while they’re cuddling in the park and playing the guitar under a blanket of daisies. People like this are responsible for the increase in Prozac prescriptions among single people.

Famous Example: Penelope Cruz (Taurus) and Javier Bardem (Pisces)

Aries and Aries

Aries is the “baby” of the zodiac. So, what’s cuter than one baby? That’s right: two babies. Go on, you two. Stop annoying the rest of us and go play pattycake somewhere together. Mommy needs a nap.

Famous Example: Sarah Jessica Parker (Aries) and Matthew Broderick (Aries)