Call Your Boyfriend: Introducing Your Go-To Guy for Love’s Hardest Questions

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Ryan O’Connell is a New York-based writer. He likes shoegaze, the Olsen Twins, and figuring out why people do the things they do. Oh, and he tweets

Dear Boyfriend,

I recently went on a date with this nice dude. We spent like four hours getting pleasantly buzzed and just shooting the shit. He was great. The problem was that there were no sparks—at least not on my end. I even gave him a pity makeout at the end of the date to see if it would change my mind, but it felt like I was kissing my brother. I have no interest in seeing him again but he’s texting me like mad, asking when we can meet up again. How do I let him down without coming across as a total asshole?

-Can’t be a dick, won’t be a dick

Hey Can’t Be Dick, Won’t Be A Dick,

I feel you, babe. I’ve been there and I’ve been queer. I once went on a very similar date recently. The dude was super sweet like an inoffensive scoop of vanilla ice cream, but I just wasn’t into it. Zero percent of me wanted to have sex with him. After the date, the guy was blowing up my cellular nonstop and I didn’t really know what to say. Whenever he alluded to hanging out again, I would just drop the No. 1 Bullshit Excuse on Earth: “I’m just SO busy.” Please. Everyone knows that if you really like someone, you will make the time to see them regardless of how swamped you are. If I met the man of my dreams tonight, I would throw all of my obligations in the trashcan just so we could spend the weekend together in a sex fog.

Unfortunately, this dude didn’t get the hint, so I just had to (gasp!) actually tell him the truth, which was, “Hey, I really like you but I don’t really say this going anywhere. I’m sorry!” It might sound way harsh Tai (he never responded) but ultimately it saved him a lot of time wondering what happened.

The sad truth is that we live in a dating age where we feel like we don’t owe anyone anything. We can float in and out of people’s lives with no explanation. When we’re over it, we’re over it. We don’t bother to send a memo because oh my God that would be so awkward! NO ONE IS HONEST ANYMORE. No one says what they actually mean. It’s like a dying art. All we do is flake and make up excuses. It’s incredibly selfish of us.

But listen, it’s common courtesy to be honest with someone. Think about how you’ve felt when you’ve really liked someone, maybe even dated them for a few weeks, and then BOOM! They vanished without a trace. Didn’t you feel terrible? Didn’t you spend an entire week wondering where the Hell they want and going over what you possibly did wrong? We’ve all been there. So why don’t we stop these random disappearing acts that are plaguing the modern dating world by trying out some honesty? It’s uncomfortable and it might hurt their feelings, but trust me, it’s better in the long run.

Dear Boyfriend,

Real talk: My boyfriend won’t go down on me. Does this mean he’s gay?

-Seriously Someone Please Eat Me Out

Sup Seriously Someone Please Eat Me Out,

I’ve gotten this question a lot from my girlfriends. It seems like a lot of dudes aren’t into performing oral sex on girls, which is something I just don’t understand. As a gay guy, I could never just be like “No” to someone’s penis. Blowjobs are a HUGE part of the gay sex pie. Without it, we’re just two mouths and an asshole.

That being said, just because someone doesn’t eat you out doesn’t mean they’re gay. It could be because they’re selfish lovers or maybe, JUST MAYBE, they feel inadequate about their skill level and don’t want to disappoint you. Whatever the reason is, you need to talk to him before you make any rash decisions. It sounds hackneyed but communication is KEY during sex. In high school, when I decided that I was ready to have sex with my BF, do you know what I did? I went straight to Barnes & Noble to purchase a book called Anal Pleasure & Health. Then we sat down and went through all the pages, discussing what we were into and what we weren’t down to try. It wasn’t uncomfortable! In fact, it set the tone and created a pretty open dialogue between us.  (It should be noted that my mother found my copy of Anal Pleasure & Health years later while we were rifling through a box of my old stuff. THAT was very uncomfortable–but at least she knew her child wanted to be informed, right?!)

You can’t hold back with the person you’re sleeping with. Don’t be shy. Sit him down and be like, “Listen, I don’t want to make you feel awkward but why are you ignoring my vagina?” (Okay, maybe don’t say it exactly like that.) He should be pretty cool about it. If he’s not, if he says something like, “I just don’t like to do it, sorry!” then that’s a bad sign. People do a lot of things they don’t want to do during sex because they want to satisfy their partner. If this guy isn’t ready to love you on the outside AND lick your insides, you might need to rethink the relationship.

Kudos to you, by the way, for being so proactive about your vagina’s wants and needs. I know a lot of girls who claim that they don’t even want their boyfriend to eat them out because it makes them feel self-conscious. Ain’t no one got time to feel insecure about their genitalia, especially if your partner has no hang ups about theirs. Get yours, hon!

Dear Boyfriend,

I just got dumped.  Do you have any advice on how to feel normal again? Don’t say “eat ice cream and watch The Notebook” please.

-Dressed To Depress

Hi Dressed To Depress,

Ok, first of all, I would NEVER advise you to nurse a broken heart by eating fattening foods and watching Nicholas Sparks. What is this, junior high? (Although if you really want some Ryan Gosling to go with your crippling depression, I suggest Half Nelson. Rye Rye does a lot of crack in it and Broken Social Scene did the score!)

Having a broken heart when you’re, say, 27 feels a lot different than it does at 17, obviously. It becomes a more quiet devastation and, therefore, harder to pinpoint and manage. So here’s the deal: if you want to ever feel normal again, my advice is to go temporarily insane. So many people make the mistake of declaring that THEY’RE OVER IT before they ever have a chance to really mourn anything. What ends up happening is they just bury their insanity, and then act surprised when a year passes and they’re still obsessing over the ex. Um, duh. Of course you’re not over it. You never got under it!

In order to move past things, you have to let yourself experience the grief. So go out and be a cliché. Go drink too much and make out with a random weirdo. Don’t be afraid of being too needy for your friends. Chances are you were there for them when they needed you. Surrender to the inner psycho and then, slowly, dig yourself out. Develop a learning curve. Eventually the bad things will stop feeling good and you’ll want to take care of yourself. Also, get closure. If you have something to say to your ex, write them an email and get that shit off your chest. You don’t have to send it. And if you do, who cares if you come across as crazy? What do you owe them at this point? Nothing.

Surround yourself with the things that make you happy. Take trips while knowing that a change of scenery isn’t going to magically fix things. Take long baths (but don’t drown yourself in them). Play hooky from work just so you can lay in bed. FEEL ALL THE FEELINGS YOU COULD POSSIBLY FEEL. Overdose on them and then bring yourself back to life via CPR and self-love. Accept that you may always feel a twinge of sadness for the relationship and that’s okay. Stop trying to be over it. Stop trying to win the heartbreak game. Just feel what you need to feel at that given moment and trust that you’ll eventually feel right again.

Lastly, don’t wait too long to have sex with someone else because sometimes all it takes is a new P or V to make you forget about the old one.

You KNOW you have a question. Send it to Ryan.