What to Do If Your Boyfriend Is the NSA Whistleblower: a Step-by-Step Guide

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He has had ‘a very comfortable life’ that included a salary of roughly $200,000, a girlfriend with whom he shared a home in Hawaii, a stable career, and a family he loves…As he packed his bags, he told his girlfriend that he had to be away for a few weeks, though he said he was vague about the reason.

- The Guardian, “Edward Snowden: The Whistleblower

1. Freak out. Like, frrrrreeeeeeeeeeakkkkk the f-ck out.

2. Consider flying to Hong Kong to find him. Decide you are too angry.

3. Consider flying to Hong Kong to murder him for doing this to you.

4. Consider the possibility that someone else, someone scarier and deadlier than you, will fly to Hong Kong to murder him.

5. Repeat Step 1.

6. Take a break from hysterically crying to mull over the full implications of the NSA leak.

7. Realize, with horror, that your boyfriend, unbeknownst to you, has had unprecedented access to all of your emails.

8. Facebook messages, too.

9. Probably your entire Google Search History, come to think of it.

11. Including the time you Googled your ex-boyfriend.

12. The times you Googled your ex-boyfriend.

13. And the time you googled “nair for nipples.”

14. Die of mortification.

15. Create an email draft in Gmail that simply says: “If you can read this — AND WE ALL KNOW YOU CAN READ THIS!!! — we’re over!”

16. Agree that it was probably over when he fled to Hong Kong for political exile without telling you, but, it still feels good to say it.

17. Listen to a voicemail from your best friend saying that your relationship was sacrificed for the “greater good.” Feel a little better.

18. Remember that you and your boyfriend were RSVP’d for like, seven weddings this summer, which you will now have to attend alone. Feel significantly worse.

19. Burn his stuff.

20. Get a new boyfriend.  Never use the Internet again.