For Grandparents Day, Read These Relationship Tips From Old People (And Then Call Your Grandparents.)

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I have already written extensively about how my grandmother has helped me in my relationships (though I do remember her saying, before I knew what drugs were, “if he smokes weed like your parents did, hit the road, Jack!” (I bet my parents smoked weed, like, once.)

In honor of Grandparents Day, (HELLO, SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 9TH!!!!!!! CALL THEM!!!! THEY WENT THROUGH THE DEPRESSION FOR YOUUUU!!!) we’d like to honor some of the sage advice they’ve given us. We’ll take it gram and gramps, with a grain of salt. And LOTS of love.

Plus: 5 Rules For Staying Together Forever And Ever

My grandma told me two things: “If a girl you like wants to go on a date with someone else, handcuff her to the oven,” and “Always offer up your coat to a lady.  I remember one time I was on a date with a man in January and the son of a bitch didn’t even think about givin’ me his coat.  I was out there in the cold shiverin’ like a dog shittin’ peach seeds.”
-Jason, 27

My grandma used to tell me “If you know it’s not right, run for the hills” and “Pretend writing him a letter to break up and then never having to see him again. If that sounds good, then end it.” My grandpa told me, “You have a lot of love to give, so make sure you are with someone who lets you give that love.”
-Natalie, 28

My grandma never game me direct advice, but she did always tell the girls in our family that they had to eat the crusts on their sandwiches because it made their hair curly, and that boys liked curly hair. Please not that this was probably in 1996, at the height of the poker-straight-and-stringy hair movement.
-Betsy, 28

Here’s all you ever have to know, according to Nanny…

1.  Never date a man with longer hair than you.
2.  Always marry for ambition, not money.
3.  When in doubt, drink more wine.  Everyone is more attractive that way.
4.  Only get married if you intend to have children, otherwise the contract is useless.
5.  Move to Alaska, there are more single men than women.

-Hallie, 31

Plus: 5 Things The Golden Girls Taught Us About Love

Advice to grandchildren of both sexes: Judge a boy by his shoes and a girl by her nails.
-Kara age 27

Grandma used to say: “If she ends up rejecting you or dumping you, always remember: she shits.” Apparently that “humanizing” thought was meant to help bring her back down to earth after she seemed so unavailable?
-Rich, 36

Plus: 7 Reasons You Should Bring Your Grandma On The First Date (No, Really)

My grandma said: “Just remember, it’s just as easy to marry a rich man as it is to marry a poor one.” That was, of course, after she was done wiping away her tears when she found out I was gay.
-Dave, 26

MomMom, Aka the Duchess, always says “Truly believes black patent leather shoes reflect up.”
-Bethanne, 28