“How Can I Tell If He Genuinely Likes Me… or If He Has an Asian Fetish?”

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I am an Asian-American female and I am often pursued by non-Asian men. People tell me that there are men who have an “Asian fetish”. How can I tell if those men want to date me because of me or because I’m Asian? How can I also tell if a non-Asian man is pursuing me just to say he was with an Asian woman? What is this attraction to Asian women? If a guy likes blondes, does it mean he has a “blonde fetish”?

Ah, their alluring air of mystery, subservient nature, and eagerness to please their men sexually… How very enticing if only it were true. Some things are a clear give-away that a guy’s interest is more about satisfying a fetish than getting to know you beyond your ethnicity. If he has a collection of Asian porn, if his web browser history shows things such as “Korean schoolgirls” or “Oriental orgies”, then you’re probably the object of his Asian fetish and should leave him faster than you can say “it’s the year of the tiger”.

Plus: 6 Things Not to Do On A Date With An Asian Girl (That People Have Actually Done To Me)

Here are some points to consider:


A guy may simply have a physical preference for Asians in much the same way one prefers tall, short, petite, muscular, or slim. He may be partial to fine hair, tan skin, the shape of the eyes, facial structure, etc. So naturally he’ll gravitate towards you. See this as a compliment. This is great for an initial physical attraction but as with any dating situation, if there’s an exclusive focus on looks, the relationship won’t last.


He may naively believe cultural stereotypes about Asians that drive his pursuit. While some of these beliefs may have partial truth to them, (value education, hard-working families, cultured and cultivated) others are more rooted in falsehood. For example, if he ignorantly believes “all Asians are subservient and never question their men,” he’s in for a rude awakening.


As you get to know these guys, if the conversation is only about you and your Asian heritage, then maybe you are indeed more a novelty or trophy than someone he sees as worthy of establishing a mature and mutually fulfilling connection. In the end, a relationship is two-way and not simply based on his desires. See how you connect on real life issues, goals, values, interests, and all those other things that make for a solid relationship. Sure, Hollywood has made famous the whole Asian/Caucasian thing, but never base your life on that of celebrities.
Jonathan Alpert is a Manhattan psychotherapist and author.  He appears on national TV commenting on sex and relationship issues as well as lifestyle, mental health, and hot-button issues. Get more of Jonathan’s great advice in his new book, Be Fearless: Change Your Life in 28 Days. And you can follow Jonathan on Twitter at @JonathanAlpert and on Facebook at, and visit his website at
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