“I’ve been out of the sex game for a while, save for a very casual relationship that happens sporadically. However, I met a girl recently and sex is imminent. I’m excited about it but worried because I’m having a hard time letting people touch me, just relaxing and enjoying sensation. My last relationship was largely sexless and took a serious toll on my ego, and now the little sex I have had in recent months is fraught with anxiety and over-thinking, and I don’t want that to happen this time. How can I get back into my body?”
If I had a quarter for every question like this I get, I’d get so much laundry done, but be really sad about it. Being in your head too much is a very common dilemma, especially for women. I’m going to give you some contradictory advice and tell you to stay in your head the next time you’re getting down with someone. But there’s a twist! When you’re in there, I want you to fantasize like a mother–. Bodily sensations are lovely, of course, and are necessary for arousal and orgasm, but it’s your head that’s the real boner killer. In previous studies (like the one I linked to a few weeks ago), women were shown to be capable of physical (objective) sexual responses without having the awareness that they were actually aroused. In those cases, there’s a pervasive mind-body disconnect. Your body, I’m sure, is doing its thing just fine, unless you were struck by lightning or something, or have physical ailments or trauma that you didn’t mention above.