The Breakup Diet

How I Got Over My Breakup with Oysters, Jack and Cokes, and a Book Launch Party

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The best way to get over someone is to get pizza. I’ve consumed at least six different types and have zero regret, except that my skin is oilier than usual and my stomach hates me due to my lactose intolerance. Pizza will never disappoint you, never lie to your face. My most recent relationship started online and lasted a short nine months. It was one of the most serious, and hardest I’ve ever been in. We broke up a little over three weeks ago and I’ve been doing what anyone should do after a rough breakup: keeping myself busy.

MONDAY: A Panel and Pizza

In a former life I used to be a Community Manager – if you don’t know what that is that’s okay, neither did my family or any of my friends. I was invited to speak on a panel for Community Manager Appreciation Day, which was pretty cool to be included. They gave us free sandwiches, which was even cooler.

Everyone was really nice to me. I even got a hug from an internet friend who I only just met there. That was really nice.

A guy came up to me after the panel as I was stuffing my face with a turkey avocado and brie sandwich and started talking to me. “So what do you do for fun around here?” I looked at him blankly and said, “For fun as in, what do I do for fun outside of the Internet?” I felt really awkward and my face got hot trying to think of something less embarrassing than “Social media.” I said “gotta go” and quickly left.

I went to an open bar that night where I drank only Jack and Coke. I immediately regretted how many I consumed because someone in the group of people I was talking to said, “Ugh I can’t believe it’s only Monday.” “Fuck,” I said. Luckily there was lots of pizza there to help me sober up. I had 5 slices.

TUESDAY: Oysters & Trivia

Got an email from my co-worker asking our entire team if we wanted to go to a place in Chinatown that does Trivia and has dollar oysters. “Um, duh.” I replied all.

We arrived to the place and two-dozen oysters, an order of pomme frites, and two sliders later we played trivia. It was a super fun bonding time with my co-workers but I was horrendously terrible at the trivia questions.

I left early and sober.

Wednesday: “Never Have I Ever”

Tonight I went to a book reading where I listened to five different people share their sad experiences with dating. All of them were hilarious and made me grateful that I’ve never experienced dating like they have.

I had three glasses of red wine that were provided by Tumblr. Thank you based Tumblr.

After that ended we walked over to a bar that apparently had $1 off all drinks if we said we were coming from the event. They lied. I had at least four or five Jack and Cokes. I used to never drink soda but Jack Daniels tastes so good with it, and it’s apparently “bad ass” of me to order one. I met a girl at the bar who recently went through a breakup of her own and we bonded immediately over our stories of how our exes were selfish assholes and how we’re much happier not being with them. I am so much happier.

Thursday: Five Guys and fries

I knew I needed to eat something before I went to drink later, so I ate at Eisenberg’s, a sandwich shop. I was craving their tomato soup and really wanted something unhealthy and comforting to accompany so I ordered a grilled cheese and bacon sandwich. I ate alone. It felt really awkward at first sitting by myself, but shortly after I ordered a few more people came in and sat at the bar. Eisenberg’s is going to be my new after work dinner spot.

Later on I met up with guy friends, drank lots of Delirium (the beer, not the affliction), and ravaged a basket of fries and tater tots. Most of the guys are British so naturally we discussed how Football should be called “Hand-Egg” and made Super Bowl plans. It was nice to be back on the other side of the fence, being assholes, making jokes, and hearing them talk about how, “All women in New York City around our age are the same.” LMAO.

Friday: Let’s get drunk and make brunch plans

For lunch I had mini jambalaya empanadas (about six, oops), and a lot of regret. The girls in the office are talking about how they’re giving up cheese for February as I stuff my face with string cheese. Oops again.

I’m going to a launch party tonight and there’s an open bar. Obviously we know what my dinner will be.

I had to stay late after work so I had another two empanadas, a glass of a co-worker’s bourbon and two glasses of our beer on tap. I don’t regret this.

The launch party was so much fun. I drank with good friends and had an actual conversation with a beautiful man who I’m pretty sure is in a relationship. I hope he never reads this.

Some things I’ve learned looking back at this week. I’m not over being in a relationship, but I am much happier. I miss sharing meals and telling stories. I miss being held, mostly getting hugged. Even though I’m gaining weight, figuratively I feel like a bunch has been lifted now that the only person I have to worry about is myself. My best advice would be to keep yourself busy. And as hard as it is to resist do not look at your ex’s social networks. Don’t do it. Stop it. Now. Then meet me at Eisenberg’s in 30 minutes.