How The Muppets Will Save Your Relationship

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An article on Slate confirms what we’ve always suspected: that everyone one of us is either a Chaos Muppet or an Order Muppet, and grasping that concept is the key to a successful relationship.

Chaos Muppets are out-of-control, emotional, volatile. They tend toward the blue and fuzzy. They make their way through life in a swirling maelstrom of food crumbs, small flaming objects, and the letter C. Cookie Monster, Ernie, Grover, Gonzo, Dr. Bunsen Honeydew and — paradigmatically — Animal, are all Chaos Muppets.

Order Muppets — and I’m thinking about Bert, Scooter, Sam the Eagle, Kermit the Frog, and the blue guy who is perennially harassed by Grover at restaurants (the Order Muppet Everyman) — tend to be neurotic, highly regimented, averse to surprises and may sport monstrously large eyebrows. They sometimes resent the responsibility of the world weighing on their felt shoulders, but they secretly revel in the knowledge that they keep the show running.

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Dahlia Lithwick claims that the key to a happy  marriage, a well-functioning family, and a productive place of work depends on the ratio of Chaos Muppets to Order Muppets in any environment. Though she notes, “it’s not that any one type of Muppet is inherently better than the other.” That’s the definition of diversity, right? All are needed, and when they are balanced correctly, an environment can thrive.

So if you’re a total Order Muppet, find yourself a Honeydew, and if you’re an Animal, you need a Kermit.

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I know your next question. How do you know?

It’s hard to be ruthlessly honest when evaluating one’s own Muppet classification. As is the case when going shopping for white pants, your best bet is probably just to trust a friend. It’s not enough to judge by career choice or pastimes. For instance: Order Muppets are musical. So are Chaos Muppets.

Hmm. Sounds just as difficult as finding a mate in real life. We want answers!

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Some initial clues can be garnered by scrutinizing your CD storage system and spice racks. Chaos Muppets may well be able to recite the alphabet, but they don’t alphabetize anything willingly and usually only do so in exchange for cookies. If your house catches on fire, as you practice a death-defying leap through a flaming hoop while reciting Hamlet, you’re most probably a Chaos Muppet anyhow. But if your house catches on fire and you know precisely how to rescue your Schumann CDs in under 15 seconds, you’re an Order Muppet.

To recap:

  1. We are all either Order or Chaos Muppets
  2. Balancing these Order and Choas personas in your relationships will make you a happy, successful person
  3. Scrutinize  your CD storage system and/or spice racks

Love it. My only complaint? I threw my CDs away in 2002. What does that mean, Dr. Lithwick?