Emoji Prescription

How to Emoji Booty Text Like A Professional

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If a picture is worth 1,000 words, a well-constructed emoji stream is worth a whole novel. But how can you be sure you’re speaking the international language of Japanese pictographs fluently? We’re here to guide you, with our ongoing series Emoji Prescription.

Sexting: the most important innovation in romantic communication since the advent of the love letter. Okay, maybe not, but there’s still a lot of pressure to get dirty type right – one wrong keystroke and you’ve killed the mood. If you’re going to sext in emoji – an extra tall order thanks to the complete lack of anatomically correct emoji – take some of the pressure off of yourself and steal from a great poet: Mr. R. Kelly. Check this list for the best of The Great Lord Kells’ lyrics, translated.

1. “Do you wanna go half on a baby?”

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For the cute barista whom you finally worked up the courage to ask for his/her number but have never actually had a conversation with.

2. “I just wanna marry the pussy!/Pussy will you marry me?”

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For the girl who wants to save it for marriage.

3. “I’m about to twinkle it and touch your soul/ Once I enter into your black hole”

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For once you’ve already been invited over but want to make clear the direction of the night.

4. Baby, can I “take a stroll through your garden of love?”

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For that bro you had a one-night stand with last year and haven’t talked to since – but wouldn’t mind seeing after the party tonight.

5. “Like a hotel room, I’m checkin’ into you”

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For a paramour with commitment issues.

6. “I’m about to be the king of your jungle like (ooh ooh ooh ah ah ah)”

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For the serious radical feminist.

7. “Up and down like a roller coaster, I call that ass a theme park.”

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For anyone you’ve ever cared about and deeply respected.