If a picture is worth 1,000 words, a well-constructed emoji stream is worth a whole novel. But how can you be sure you’re speaking the international language of Japanese pictographs fluently? We’re here to guide you, with our ongoing series Emoji Prescription.
Sexting: the most important innovation in romantic communication since the advent of the love letter. Okay, maybe not, but there’s still a lot of pressure to get dirty type right – one wrong keystroke and you’ve killed the mood. If you’re going to sext in emoji – an extra tall order thanks to the complete lack of anatomically correct emoji – take some of the pressure off of yourself and steal from a great poet: Mr. R. Kelly. Check this list for the best of The Great Lord Kells’ lyrics, translated.
1. “Do you wanna go half on a baby?”
For the cute barista whom you finally worked up the courage to ask for his/her number but have never actually had a conversation with.
2. “I just wanna marry the pussy!/Pussy will you marry me?”
For the girl who wants to save it for marriage.
3. “I’m about to twinkle it and touch your soul/ Once I enter into your black hole”
For once you’ve already been invited over but want to make clear the direction of the night.
4. Baby, can I “take a stroll through your garden of love?”
For that bro you had a one-night stand with last year and haven’t talked to since – but wouldn’t mind seeing after the party tonight.
5. “Like a hotel room, I’m checkin’ into you”
For a paramour with commitment issues.
6. “I’m about to be the king of your jungle like (ooh ooh ooh ah ah ah)”
For the serious radical feminist.
7. “Up and down like a roller coaster, I call that ass a theme park.”
For anyone you’ve ever cared about and deeply respected.