It’s that time of year again, have-unrealistic-body-expectations-by-dieting-to-get-in-shape-so-that-you-have-that-one-Facebook-picture-angled-perfectly-to-look-buxom/buff-yet-skinny season. I’m exhausted and my self-esteem hurts just thinking about it. Let’s not bother with a system setup to make us hate ourselves but instead, use this pre-season as a practical way to, as my dear friend expressed over brunch this weekend, “Get it right, get it tight!”
First of all, keep eating. You’ll need energy for all the sex you’re about to start having. Most nutritionists tell dieting patients to stay above 1,000-1,200 calories per day to avoid being in the starvation category – the starvation category! If you’re going to alter your regular diet, add in food that makes your fluids taste better and give you energy. Popular opinion says pineapple and apple sweeten the taste of semen, while beer, asparagus and fried foods hinder the taste. Rumor has it vegetarians have the best tasting juices.
Get your finances in order so you can go on a proper holiday because there ain’t nothing better than vacation sex. Be honest about how much you can afford on revelry per month. Once you’ve got a figure, book a trip or buy a ticket to a music festival. Every town in every part of America has their version of a carnival at least, and you know you want to make out on a ferris wheel with a townie.
Women and men, file those toe nails and scrape off the bunions because your spooning game shouldn’t be compromised by the talons growing off your feet. This is also a must for anyone even considering wearing flip-flops Unlike waxing, there are no options here. Spend $15 and go get your snow boot shackled callouses shorn off. You don’t want someone taking sneaky pictures of your gnarly toes and creating a Tumblr in dishonor of them. Tip your pedicurist well!
Clean out your closet, literally and figuratively. If you haven’t worn an item of clothing within the last six months or have owned said item since high school then get rid of it! If you are still talking to that ex out of boredom, stop it. It’s time to move on and see things for what they really are, not what you wish they could be. Oh, and don’t forget the same goes for footwear because those cute yet painful shoes will ruin your flirting with the hot organic beet salesman at the farmer’s market.
Health & Wellbeing
Clean out the cobwebs and take a look inside. Many cities offer free STI screenings and some even offer free condoms too. Take advantage of these resources and be a responsible date. If anything is wrong, get it sorted out before you start having awesome summer sex. Also take stock of where you are in your romantic life. There’s no problem with some summer lovin’ (happened so fast) but be honest with yourself (and your partners) if you really want something to last until the winter months.
Learn to twerk. Yep, you read that correctly and I’m not sorry about it. Twerking is a good core workout because it’s all about muscle control. If you advance to inverted wall-twerking, your arms will be tank-top ready in no time. Plus it’s a practical endeavor for rooftop dance parties that are about to kick off. Take inspiration from Iggy Azalea or Diplo.
If you just can’t get on the butt bouncing train, biking gets your endorphins revved up, which puts you in a better mood thereby making you more attractive. During happy hour you can actually get a nostalgia pity laugh with Steve Carell’s pickup line from The 40-Year-Old Virgin, “I hope you have a big trunk… because I’m putting’ my bike in it.”
Give it just one balmy evening in a beer garden and you’ll remember why life is good. Thank you low-slung tanks and mini skirts, no more guessing what’s going on underneath the eight layers of black we’ve all been rocking through the winter. It’s the pre-season to the dating bonanza that is summer, get it right, get it tight!