Editor’s note: Serria Tawan graced the pages of Playboy as Miss November 2002; now the former playmate is in her 30s, recently married, and ready to dish out some love advice. She says, “I want you to win and I’m going to give it to you straight.” Read more from her at serriasays.com, and check back here each Friday for her latest Dating Advice from a Playboy Bunny post.
Thank you for taking the time to personally coach me! As a result of our chats, the dating scene has been going very well. After the first session, I went on three first dates and was asked out for a second date (while still on the first date) by all three guys, and that has never happened to me before! Since then, I’ve had a lot of prospects and let go of many too.
I feel silly when I say I believe I’ve found the one I’m supposed to be with. I met him at my new job a few weeks ago. I didn’t notice him at first, but then we happened to be leaving work at the same time and he invited me out for a quick drink and light meal. As soon as we sat down there was instant chemistry and we ended up talking until the restaurant had to close. We’ve had about 4 dates since that time and each date is better than the one before. I’m very excited about him and also incredibly nervous because he seems too good to be true. I’ve been taking things slowly and so has he but there is a definite connection that is being maintained and encouraged. So much in fact he’s invited me to meet his brother this Sunday for dinner. Any advice you can offer as to how I should proceed would be welcomed.
This is awesome and I’m very happy that my coaching has helped you meet an awesome guy.
Don’t start picking out wedding colors just yet. (And in regards to his brother, it’s just dinner. Don’t set out to impress anyone; just be yourself. Enjoy your time with his family, and be respectful, present and approachable — the same as you have been.)
It seems like you really like him, which is great, but we tend to lose our focus on the big picture when our emotions are involved. If your goal is to have a boyfriend, that’s one thing. But if you have the goal of finding a husband, you need to slow down and listen for certain things. A guy who makes a good boyfriend might not make a good husband or even want to get married. Moving forward, listen for what is said, not what you interpret it to mean. (For example, “I’m not sleeping with anyone else” does not mean “I’d like you to be my girlfriend.”)
Keep an ear open for phrases like “I’m not looking to get married,” “I don’t believe in marriage,” “marriage doesn’t define a relationship,” etc. These types of men are set in their ways and many will make great boyfriends — and if you were a vampire who stayed 28, they would be perfect. But you’re not, and if you’re looking to settle down, at a certain point that will be a problem.
The other type of guy you need to watch out for is a guy with goals and achievements that must be fulfilled before he allows himself to consider marriage. There is nothing wrong with this guy, but you can’t control his goals, and sometimes it’s a long process depending on the goal.
I know the heart wants what it wants, but if you program yourself to date guys who are in the same place you are, relationship-wise, that will make your life easier. So if your goal is to have a boyfriend but not settle down just yet, then refrain from gentlemen with 2-year marriage plans; by the same token, if you want to get married, don’t date a guy who has to accomplish several life goals before he even thinks about it, and he hasn’t even done the first.
It’s great that you have a lot of prospects, but it’s up to you and only you to pick the best person for you, flaws and all.
The Bunny Tail (the bottom line):
Think back to a time you dated a person who wasn’t lined up with what you wanted, and try to figure out where you could have changed the outcome had you paid more attention. Taking responsibility for your part in bad dating experiences will help reduce future mishaps.