Mall Santas Share Their Most Heartbreaking and Hilarious Stories

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Thanksgiving is here, and you know what that means – Christmas is here! Or, as far as your local shopping mall is concerned, Christmas was here like a week ago. Starting around now, we begin the one time of year where a plump, bearded stranger can have kids sit on his lap and not only remain free from prison, but actually get paid to do so. America! Kids will be lining up this weekend at malls across the country to visit with Santa and ask him for all the Playstations and ponies a second mortgage can buy. In the holiday spirit, Redditors took to an emotional rollercoaster of a thread to ask former mall Santas for their most heartbreaking, disgusting, and hilarious stories. The results will either make your holidays that much better or ruin Christmas forever, depending.

“Adults was where it got a little creepy. Since the photos were free the mothers would get in on it as well. Some would just openly hit on me “Can I have you for Christmas?” The worst was an older woman who looked me in the eyes an said “I just want the pain to go away, Santa.” Me being 17 years old had no fucking idea what to say. “Uhhh, okay!””  — lunchbox5001

“Honestly? He wanted a lifetimes supply of Eggo waffles. I mean, seriously? I’m Santa! What if he’d asked for a waffle iron and unlimited waffle mix? Fresh waffles are so much better than toaster waffles. First and foremost, microwave and toaster waffles remain soggy after cooking, unless they are burned. Does anyone REALLY want soggy waffles? With fresh waffles they are almost always guaranteed to be warm and soft and cooked to a beautiful golden brown.” — TalksAboutWaffles

“The weirdest thing I asked Santa for was weights, fruits, and vegetables so I could eat healthier and get in shape. Him laughing and various other incidents really fucked up my self-confidence.” – 12345135

“I am not Santa, but I think I probably asked for the strangest thing. I still lived in Florida at the time, so I couldn’t have been older than five. Every year I’d put on my fanciest dress, and my parents would take us to the country club for brunch where we would meet Santa.
I climbed up on his lap, following all the other kids who asked for the newest Barbie, or a pony, looked up into his eyes and told him what I had been very good. So good, in fact, that I deserved what I wanted more than anything.
“North Dakota.”
Not South Dakota. Not both Dakotas. Just North Dakota. Why? No idea. I had never been there. I knew nothing about it. It was my favorite state on the map, though. Maybe because it was pink. Maybe because it was nearly perfectly rectangular. All I know for sure is that there was nothing I wanted more than to own North Dakota.” — sugarminttwist

“I was in line once when I was thirteen with my little cousin and the little girl in front of us asked Santa to make him stop ‘having private time’ with her, when no one was around. Her father, enraged, grabbed her by the arm, and ripped her away from the guy’s lap. Santa jumped up and broke the guys nose, then his jaw when he got back up, and took the little girl to the security room.” — totallyaaccountname

“I think the saddest one I ever watched was waiting in line with my daughter at Wal-Mart to be next on Santa’s lap and the boy in front of her was whispering which was weird all of them had been kind of average we could hear their responses. He also looked about 8 or 9 and was so frail looking. Well I guess he finally got tired of being asked what he wanted because the associate couldn’t hear him. He finally spoke up that he wanted food, because his tummy was tired of hurting and so was Mommy and Daddy’s but that Daddy couldn’t find another job yet he had an owie. The associate being Santa had the camera girl call the manager of the store and when they showed up they had a cart with all the fixing for a dinner, as well as canned goods, soups, snack foods, etc. And gave it to the family. I wasn’t even mad for the half hour hold up after that it made me feel better knowing the little boy and any sibling he might have as well as his family weren’t going to go hungry, or have minuscule amounts to eat for a little while at least.” – Crissie2389

“When I was a freshman in college, I got a gig as a mall Santa at a smaller local mall. A little girl came up to me and sat on my lap. I asked her in the most jovial way what she wanted for Christmas. She pulls out a picture of her dead dog and says “Can you bring my dog back?” The look on her face when I said no was heartwrenching.” – Quantum_Mechanix


“Her: “I want daddy to die.” Me: “Oh…that’s…that’s not very nice.”
She – maybe 7 years old – me the single longest, oldest, most world weary stare I have ever gotten – a look that said she wanted to cry, but had run out of tears long ago…
Me: “Why do you want your daddy to die?” Her: “I thought you knew everything.” Me: “No. I wish I did, but I only know if little boys and girls have been naughty or nice. Not adults.” Her: “Well, my daddy shouldn’t get anything for Christmas this year.” Me: “Has he been nau– bad?”
She didn’t answer, just looked fearfully away as she rolled up her sleeve, revealing a bruise in the unmistakable shape of a hand around her arm. It was an older bruise, yellow around the edges but purple in the middle.

I signaled my friend, who was in the role of an elf and watching the whole, to call the cops. The dad was arrested when he came to pick her up. Any doubt I had about her story were erased when he showed up drunk and attempted to deck the officer. He’s still in jail now.” – Xealaz

[h/t Reddit]

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