One of the amazing things about growing up is realizing that your Dad is, and was, just a dude. Sure, a special dude to you, a veritable superhero back in the day when you saw the world atop his shoulders — but all along, just a plain old dude. A dude much like you: lovable and laughable. Half mensch, half maniac. Capable of great wisdom and profound idiocy.
And so, this Father’s Day we thought it might be nice to celebrate that full breadth of Pops proclivity. Have you, our readers, share not only their old man’s sage advice, but also their skewed, and batsh*t advice when it came to teaching you, their wide-eyed and acne coated pups, about the birds and the bees. To our Fathers, the original Wikipedias and Mr. Wizards, we salute you.
Greg’s Dad (when Greg was hopelessly in love with a girl in college):
“Stop talking. You should not speak to this girl until you first go out and get laid.”
“There’s nothing sweeter than waking up to find your girlfriend has made you coffee.”
Vito’s Dad (when Vito was 14):
“You find yourself a nice girl. Take her to a dance. Then you make her a dry martini and put your hands down her pants — otherwise your friends gonna call you chicken.”
Dave’s Dad (1993):
“Don’t let someone marry you for a green card.”
“Sex is great because it’s free.”
Sean D’s Dad (1995):
“Women are like pie — you don’t know what kind you like until you’ve tasted a few. YOU SHOULD HAVE 8 DIFFERENT PIECES OF PIE before you settle down. You don’t want to be stuck eating the wrong flavor for the rest of your life. And don’t be like your cousin and settle on one pie without trying others.”
Sean’s Dad (when he was 15 and his dad saw him bringing girlfriends over):
“Don’t let the little head think for the big head.” (He then handed Sean a box of condoms.)
Jake’s Dad (when Jake and his twin brother were 11):
“Anything a girl wants to do in bed with you, just do it. She wants to pee on you, throw up on you, whatever. Just do it. There’s nothing you can do in sex that you can’t wash off in the shower after.”
Gabriel’s Dad (on moving in with his girlfriend in college):
“Don’t play house.”
David’s Dad (the night of David’s senior prom):
My dad put his hand on my shoulder, and said, ‘son, come upstairs, let’s talk for a minute.’ We got to his office; he sat in his big desk chair, reached into a drawer, and out came a big box of Trojans. ‘David,’ he goes, ‘these are condoms.’ I can’t remember what he said next, because my head may have exploded — I got the hell out of there, and it was basically the last time we ever had a man-to-man talk about love/sex.”
Well, I guess the major advice that my Dad gave me was that I was not special. I think they told me this because I went to a school full of spoiled rich kids and they wanted to prevent me from becoming an entitled little shit. I thought it was good advice for most of my life, but am now coming to realize it made me comfortable with mediocrity.