He is handsome like a grown-up Seth Cohen from the O.C. wearing Joseph Gordon Levitt’s suits from Inception. He buys my drinks more than half the time we go out. Sometimes when I’m hungover I can convince him to make me coffee or ramen noodles and occasionally we watch cartoons together while he shines his shoes.
He’s not my boyfriend; he’s just my really close guy friend of nearly eight years.
Obviously, no one new ever comes up to talk to me when he is around. I look taken. Sometimes I find myself touching my hair when I’m talking to him and I panic and stop immediately lest someone observing us thinks I’m sexually interested in him. A few times, a girl has leaned around me at a bar to talk to him while I sit silently in her perfume wake, but that doesn’t happen too often. Essentially, our friendship is running interference for any potential romantic relationships and, barring that, sexy times.
By now, we’ve had to come up with some pretty creative ways to look uninvolved. Here they are:
1. Find an asexual descriptor to use for introductions.
When a guy I’m interested in comes up to say hi, I can’t just say, “This is Ian.” It’s too ambiguous. For a while, I took to saying, “This is my friiiiieeeend Ian” with special emphasis that made it sound like he was my special sex friend Ian. I decided to start introducing him as my cousin or gay brother, but for some reason he has a problem with that. Something about it not being true. Whatever. So from now on, it’s something like “my old college buddy,” “my loud-ass neighbor” or “my chess opponent.”
2. Learn a few wingman moves.
My friend is the worst wingman. When we’re standing in a group of cute guys that he knows but I don’t know, does he introduce us? No. Does he sometimes start talking to the guy I’m flirting with about suits until I’m totally out of the picture? Yes. His best idea to help me meet guys is to abandon me like a 5-year-old in the deep end of a municipal swimming pool in a rough neighborhood and with a $12 cocktail he bought me before disappearing. There’s a good time and a bad time to move away from your friend at a bar and a good wingman knows the difference.
3. Take turns looking unattractive.
This happens on accident with us sometimes, and it’s usually me that looks like a scrub. Glasses on, hair a mess and, I mean, I don’t wear sweatpants in public but to do so would really show your commitment to getting your friend laid. If the attractiveness differential is great, then the chances of people believing you’re together are lower.
Follow these tips and the amount of time you spend considering whether the friendship is worth you being forever single should diminish significantly.
Postscript: Ladies, he has eyes like a Yes cover album and I really think he could be the overdressed manic pixie dreamboy of your fantasies. LMK if you’re interested.
No one could ever say I was a bad wingman.