I was having one of those days where I was just sitting around my apartment thinking about how much I wanted to have sex with a pirate, when I had an epiphany: it might not be as glamorous as I’m imagining! I mean at first I was like… then I was like… Well, you’ll see.
You Might Think: They’re So Hot Looking!
But in Reality: You’re thinking of Johnny Depp. Real pirates have missing limbs. They are literally filthy. They do not wear sexy Jack Sparrow eye-liner. And I cannot imagine how they must smell.
You Might Think: I Bet Pirate Sex Is So Hot
But in Reality: Pirates were disease-ridden scurvy factories. They also usually had ricket, hepatitis, malaria, halitosis, scabies, and venerial diseases of all flavors. I don’t think there is a condom out there that could make pirate sex safe sex. Also, since pirates often lived only in the presence of men, many of them liked to sleep with men. So they might not even look my way. And how depressing would that be? “I came all the way out here with you bros, I am literally the only female for hundreds and hundreds of miles, and nobody will f*ck me? What the f*ck?!”
You Might Think: Pirates Are The Ultimate Bad Boys. So Hot.
But in Reality: No. They were f*cking terrifying, mean sons of bitches. They killed people for no reason and legit stole shit from people and terrorized them. If you see a pirate coming, you should stop brushing your hair and puffing your boobs up in your bra because they are probably coming to rape you. RUN. From David Cordingly’s Under The Black Flag: “Seamen who resisted a pirate attack were hacked to death and thrown over the side.” That is just not nice. That shit makes walking the plank look like cake.
You Might Think: Check Out Those Sexy Eye Patches. It’s Like They’re Winking At Me 24/7.
But in Reality: That’s because their eyeballs have been gorged out in battle. That is soooOOoo nasty!
You Might Think: Sex On A Caribbean Beach? Yes, Please.
But in Reality: This isn’t Cabo. Pirates live on crazy scary islands that are desolate for a reason. No electricity, no cabana boys, no margaritas in chilled glasses. Instead you get: a monkey infestation at best. There is not enough food. You don’t even like coconuts! And you might get sand in your vagina, come on.
You Might Think: Pirates Are Charming.
But in Reality: Nope. You’re thinking about that movie, again. Pirates were uneducated and I bet all they talk about all day is plundering. If they can even form complete sentences. They’d be like, “babe did you see how I just plundered that ship?” And you’d have to just be like, “yeah, yeah. It was better when Johnny Depp did it.”
You Might Think: Yo Ho, Yo Ho, A Pirates Life For Me.
But in Reality: So, OK, I really really do love that ride. And I really really do love that song. But please stop what you are doing and think about the lyrics once and for all. “We pillage, plunter, rifle and loot? We kidnap and ravage and don’t give a hoot? We filch and sack? We char and enflame and ignite?” How on earth have I been singing along to that song in such an upbeat way? What does filch even mean? Life, unfortunately, is not Disney World. Peter Pan does not make daily rescues like he does in his movie. Yo Ho, Yo No, girl.
You Might Think: Living On The Seven Seas? Now There’s A Life Worth Living. I’ll Get To Journal A Lot. And I’ll Probably Get Rock Hard Abs Somehow.
But in Reality: Girl, please. You can’t go ten minutes without checking your mail or phone. This is what it would say in your journals: “All Work And No Play Makes Lauren A Dull Girl.” You’re going to go crazy and miss your mommy. And when you cry for your mommy, the pirates are going to slit your throat. Plus: you are a vegetarian. Who doesn’t eat fish. And you’ll be forever in bikini — with your own abs. The ones you have now.
You Might Think: It Will Be Like One Long Cruise.
But in Reality: Yeah — a cruise that never ends where the crew is trying to rape you and the food is horrible (not all you can eat buffets) and everyone smells bad and is sick. After a few months all you can do is hope this thing goes Titanic on your swashbuckling asses. And you know how when you have a lot of sex on a cruise you’re an awesome, free-spirited sex goddess? On a pirate ship, you’re a wench.
You Might Think: Well, At Least You’ll Be Drunk On Rum.
But in Reality: Hopefully you’ll be too drunk to know what is going on. And that part, my friends, is actually true.