Have you stayed in an Airbnb? You know, the surprisingly cheap, possibly illegal roomshare website that allows strangers to pay you for a place on your couch or in your bed? Lots of us have. And most of us have also had sex while we were there. What? We were on vacation! It’s a hotel, basically!
Only, it’s not. The Huffington Post reports on one Airbnb mismatch that turned into a horror story for both host and guest after a little misunderstanding on this matter. Nicole, an Airbnb host in D.C.’s Adams Morgan neighborhood, was all set to rent her apartment to Philippe and his partner. Only, when Philippe and company showed up at her door with no luggage save a couple of fanny packs, Nicole became suspicious. “Drugs!” she thought. But no, Nicole! Philippe was only going to use your apartment as a tantric sex den. He works as a “tantric masseuse,” a “sexual surrogacy” practice that promises “transformational” erotic experiences, including a deluxe package called The Assmaster. Neat! Definitely classic massage stuff, right there. Nicole balked once she saw her guest’s website, set up a prostitution sting on Philippe involving a friend of hers (seriously), and the rest is Airbnb Customer Service Nightmare history.
Oh, boy. And all of this trouble could’ve been avoided so easily. To help you avoid a Philippe-and-Nicole-style disaster, we’ve put together a list of rules to keep in mind when having sex during your next Airbnb stay.
1. Remember, This Is Someone’s Home.
Yes, “B’n’B” is right there in the name. It seems like a hotel. But you know better! You’re a guest in someone’s home. This comes with a certain degree of adult responsibility. Your hosts are kidding themselves if they think you and your partner are going to stay in their house and not sleep with each other. That’s not your problem. Still, you’re not at the Marriott. So, a few rules of thumb here. Don’t spray your fluids all over your host’s comforter or sheets. Her grandmother sewed that quilt after the Battle of Gettysburg! A semen stain does not properly honor our Civil War dead.
2. If Your Hosts Are Home, Roommate Rules Apply
Maybe you never had a college roommate. (Vocational schools are just as worthy an option!) But even if you’ve always lived alone, you can imagine the unpleasantness of trying to stuff your pillow into your ear canals to drown out the sounds of someone else’s sweaty humping and grunting. Sometimes, Airbnb hosts give you the run of the place during your stay. If they choose to stick around – which is well within their right, as it is their home – you should be quiet and polite during your penetrative endeavors. Keep the noise down. Be furtive. Make it an exciting challenge. Do whatever you need to do to make sure you don’t traumatize them into having to boil every object in their house in a desperate attempt to get clean, to just get clean, again.
3. You’re Paying for the Room. Whoever You Just Met at the Bar Is Not.
Maybe you didn’t bring a date with you on your trip. That’s fine. Have fun meeting the local singles! But think twice before bringing a stumbling drunk back to your host’s home with you. Again, this isn’t a hotel. Airbnb lets hosts vet potential guests through its rating system and communication guidelines. It does not let them vet Rhoda, fixture at O’Sullivan’s Pub down the block, she of the glazed stare and questionable hygiene. If you meet someone during your stay and simply must hook up, go back to his or her place. Eat the Airbnb fee. You’re getting some action, after all.
Image via Veer