Editor’s note: Virginia Plain is the pseudonym of a twenty-something woman living in New York who just ended a four year relationship. Read her previous posts here, and check back next week for more.
It’s been a little while now since I ended things with Real Estate, and remarkably the whole hook up thing is going pretty well. To be honest, I did not anticipate this. As I’ve mentioned before I haven’t had all that many paramours — just four at this point — two being very long term relationships and two being rebounds right after said relationships ended. I couldn’t have planned a better hook up with Crazy Jacket if I tried. However, my first rebound, let’s call him Frisbee Physics, could not have been worse.
In an effort to serve the horny public better, I’ve devised a handy list for hooking up with someone totally new after you’ve ended things with someone very not new:
Do not get attached.
I couldn’t get attached to Crazy Jacket because he travels so much, a relationship of any kind was never in the cards. Not the case with Frisbee Physics. We “dated” really intensely for about two weeks over Christmas Break one year. And it wasn’t all hooking up. We spent all our time together so when we finally did have sex it meant something to me. It really shouldn’t have.
Do go outside your comfort zone.
You know what’s awesome? Having sex all over a strange hotel room in a foreign city. You know what’s boring? Missionary in his parent’s rec room. Switch it up! This guy doesn’t know you. Now’s the time to try reverse cowgirl without any fear of being judged.
Don’t get your parents involved.
I was still in college when Frisbee Physics happened so I didn’t know any better, but let me tell you, your parents do not want to know about your flings. Although they might listen to you sob on the phone when things don’t work out.
Do return the favor.
As much as I just love a good blow job, I actually did not give one to Crazy Jacket and I regret that. I should have. To be honest I was in such a state of OMG-ness that I wasn’t paying all that much attention to what was going on. It would have certainly been better than sucking off Frisbee Physics long, thin dick. That thing haunts me to this day. Which brings me to…
Don’t judge his package.
The really bad thing about dating someone well endowed is the realization that not everyone will have an immaculate dick. My high school sweetheart’s cock had a nickname: The Dragon. I’ll flatter Frisbee Physics by calling his The Pencil. Size isn’t that important. Or is it? I can’t tell. Just don’t make a face when he drops his pants.
Don’t be awkward.
Awesome! You hooked up. Are you going to see this guy again? Don’t know? Great, don’t be weird about it. Sometimes you pseudo-date for a week and sometimes you bang on the floor in a hotel room. Whatever the case, be kind, courteous and your normal self whenever you see the dude again.
Do make out.
Many casual hook ups are just about sex. Crazy Jacket and Frisbee Physics both involved a lot of making out too though. Not everyone wants to lock lips for hours on end, but there is no better way to get my panties to drop than with a good, long, make out. It heightens the anticipation. Plus, puffy lips are hot.
Do look your best.
Do look your best. I really think you enjoy sex more when you feel hot. Whether the guy notices or not, a tiny little dress (Crazy Jacket) or a bedazzled red bra (Frisbee Physics) puts you in the mood to get frisky.
Do not cry during sex.
I cried with Frisbee Physics and we never hooked up again. I’m not saying it’s related but I’m pretty sure that’s why nothing ever came of that little emotional fiasco. Really though, no one wants to have sad sex.
This, for me at least, is sort of a new rule to live by. I’m not saying you can’t dream or wish or anything like that, I’m a big believer in those things actually. But when it comes to casual hookups, and men in general, the less you expect the better. Remember, a guy is a guy is a guy. But you get one life. Don’t let any random dude ruin it for you. Trust me, they aren’t worth it.
So, do you have any rebound sex tips or horror stories? I’m turning into a believer in this whole one night stand, bang-and-go thing. I guess it just takes a little practice. Or five years to figure it out.