Ladies, it is almost time for Halloween, and we’re all asking one question: what innocent, childlike idea can I turn into a slutty costume? Be honest, it’s not really Halloween if mothers don’t cover the eyes of their trick-or-treaters when they see you coming.
I myself am not a fan of the slutty Halloween costume – however, I will admit that one year I did take the walk of shame in one. On October 30 I went to one of those pop-up Halloween stores that mysteriously appear in vacant storefronts around September 15, and almost all of the slutty costumes were gone. I was left with a very bland Victorian-girl-in-her-skivvies getup that was too small, and the slutty bloomers cut off the circulation in my legs, and my roommate’s boots made my feet bleed. My boyfriend at the time, whom I was not terribly fond of, went as Nicolas Cage’s character in “Raising Arizona.” It was lousy.
Ever since then I’ve hated the entire concept. It’s not because of almost getting gangrene from circulation loss either. It’s not because of the annual rejoinder about how I’m a bad feminist if I support them. It’s just that the trend is so incredibly lazy and uninspired. Just take a children’s costume, any children’s costume, add “slutty,” and bam, you’ve got yourself a grownup Halloween! That didn’t really work for Wal-Mart when they actually added “naughty” to costumes for eight year olds. Oops.
Of course, you can tell how dumb a slutty Halloween costume by removing the “slutty.” Pirate is not bad. Doctor? Convict? Disney princess? Lame, but could be worse. But what about Irish Person? Or non-slutty French maid? (After poring over slutty costume options, I am curious as to why it’s the French who are singled out for their sexy maids. Are Italian, Spanish, and Portuguese maids frumpy by comparison?)
This year, don’t troop to Ricky’s with the tired masses, rifling through racks of Slutty Milkmaids, Slutty Policewomen, Slutty Angels, Slutty Cats, Slutty Nuns, and the ever-popular Slutty Nurses in the desperate hopes they have your size. (Another peculiarity of the slutty costume, they never have your size.) You don’t want to end up dressed as some random girl’s Slutty Twin at a Halloween party just because you took the easy way out with a packaged costume. Why not stand out from the crowd as a creative, imaginative kind of slut? Lets put on our Slutty Thinking Caps! Oh, there’s a good one.
Are you the literary type? Try Slutty Virginia Woolf. This would be especially darling if you live in a rainy town: Wellington boots, rain hat, and a tiny sexy overcoat with rocks in the pockets. Don’t forget the big slutty nose! Or Slutty Fantine from Les Misérables. This is an easy one as she was working as a prostitute by the end of her life. Wear a scanty muslin dress, black out a few teeth, and lay on the rouge. Not only was rouge considered slutty at the time, but tuberculosis gives you awfully red cheeks.
Maybe music is more your thing. Slutty Mama Cass is the costume for you. A shiny, shiny brunette wig, a completely see-through muumuu, and the “Dream a Little Dream of Me” album cover will do the trick. It’s up to you if you want to go for the urban legend of the ham sandwich. Better yet, get your best girlfriend to dress up as a Sexy Ham Sandwich. She can ask guys if they want to, “Hold the mustard” all night long.
That of course leads us to food. Slutty Wheel of Cheese. What is the sexiest cheese? Mini Babybel, of course! You’ll need one of those paraffin wax hand baths, a lot of time, and probably a friend to help out. Make sure to dye the wax red and leave a pull-tab.
But seriously do we really have nothing better to do on Halloween than pull a Courtney Stodden (dressing as Sexy Courtney Stodden would make the entire world explode) and dress up as a slutty famous person/profession/object/foodstuff? If you’re going to fall for the idea that the only good Halloween costume is a slutty one, at least be a little creative about it. Resist the lure of the pre-packaged Halloween slut; use your brain and your talents to transform yourself into a Slut to Remember.
Seriously though, girls. It’s going to be cold out. Put some clothes on. Otherwise you’re going to end up Slutty Hypothermia Victim in the Emergency Room, and we all know that costume’s not winning any prizes.