So You Think You’re a Sex Addict? Not So Fast, Says Science

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Bad news for Tiger Wudz serial fornicators this week: the American Psychiatric Association (APA) will not add hypersexuality (sex addiction, in common parlance) to the list of officially recognized psychiatric disorders in the newest version of their Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-V), which is due out in 2013. How ever will celebrities who can’t keep it in their pants try to publicly save face after being outed as cheaters now?

In fairness, the DSM-V will not totally disregard the legitimacy of hypersexuality. In lieu of an official entry in the so-called psychiatrist’s bible, the APA has recommended that it appear in the appendix as a “condition that requires further research.”  I can imagine it will be flanked by such entries as “Ice-cream-aholism” and “Amusement-park-ophilia” in the section labeled “Awesome Things to Be Addicted To.”

Related: 6 Ways To End A Sex Drought

The APA even provides a handy checklist to help potential sufferers (beneficiaries?) of hypersexuality gauge the gravity of their situation. It offers such dubious criteria as:

1. Excessive time is consumed by sexual fantasies and urges, and planning for and engaging in sexual behavior.

So, adolescent boys pretty much univocally qualify …

Related: Men Are More Interested In Cuddling Than Women Are, Says Science

2. Repetitively engaging in sexual fantasies, urges, and behavior in response to stressful life events.

… and with that knowledge we can add most sexually-active working folk to the list of deviants …

3. Repetitively engaging in sexual behavior while disregarding the risk for physical or emotional harm to self or others.

… that part covers cheaters …

4. Repetitively engaging in these sexual fantasies, urges, and behavior in response to … anxiety, depression, boredom (and/or) irritability.

… boredom and anxiety? Seriously? God forbid boredom drive a happy and committed couple to the dark inner anguish of sex addiction …

Related: 18 Things Every Man Should Know Before Getting A Bikini Wax

5. The individual is at least 18 years of age.

… ok so nix adolescent boys from the list. Everyone else I mentioned: seek immediate help, you could be at risk. We recommend Dr. Drew.

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