As a kid, I was a triangle haircut-having, L.L .Bean turtleneck-wearing, frog-catching, bucktooth-sporting little queer. I knew this because the majority of my evenings were spent doing solo interpretive-dance performances to MJ’s “Man In the Mirror” in my living room in a hunter-green robe and top-hat with my mom uncomfortably looking on and golf-clapping every 20 minutes or so when I took a Gatorade break.
I’m taller now with debatably bigger breasts and a lot less corduroy in my wardrobe, but that’s the only clear difference. In college I had an easier time finding a unicorn holding a four-leaf clover than I did an IRL queer girl. So one night, I decided it was time to hit up my first lesbian bar. It was called Cubby Hole, because that is a term for a vagina that no one has ever used.
Here are ten mistakes I made that night that I would advise you not to repeat.
1. DO NOT wear a black spandex catsuit. You are not Catwoman. You look like Olivia Newton John from that final scene in Grease but not in a good way, and the fact that you’re singing “You’re The One That I Want” to the disapproving bartender isn’t helping.
2. DO NOT try to hit on girls by leaning in and whipering “Hey what time does this bar close?” That is not a pickup line. That is a strangely precise and dead-end question that is not making anyone want to get naked with you. And again, you are not Catwoman.
3. DO NOT start talking to that girl named Jennifer who works at the AT&T store in Union Square. It seems like a good way to get free unlimited nights & weekend minutes, but she’s not for you bro.
4. DO NOT cab it back to her Hoboken apartment at 4 a.m. and heavy pet to Eminem and Rihanna’s “Love The Way You Lie”
5. DO NOT rap the Eminem part while you finger her. (I can’t tell you what is really is. I can only say what it feels like.)
6. DO NOT let her finger you, because you value your internal organs.
7. DO NOT let her cat sleep in the bed with you. Cats are monsters sent from hell to terrify and unnerve.
8. DO NOT be lured with invitations of bagels with her roommate the next morning because you are about to throw up on yourself.
9. DO NOT accept her invitation to drive you back to the city and throw up in front of the Holland Tunnel during said drive.
10. DO NOT text her “What uppp girl” at 4am the following Tuesday. You both know what was “uppp” and besides, that cat.
Image via Veer
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