I’ve noticed that, lately, everyone has something to say about the never-ending search for a female Viagra. Such a pill will help couples avoid sex slumps! say some (and by “some,” I mean the pharmaceutical industry). Women’s Viagra will lead to “crazed infidelity binges!” say others (and by “others,” I mean typically rational scientists).
Women, meanwhile, sit silently by, hoping that someone will get bored trying to create this mythical pill and instead turn toward a more fruitful endeavor: figuring out how to actually get women all hot and bothered. Like, with their fingers. Or their tongues. Or with romantic gestures. Or with anything but a pill.
Perhaps because of this, there have been a slew of recently-published books that focus on female desire, including Daniel Bergner’s What Do Women Want? Adventures in the Science of Female Desire, Dr. Bella Ellwood-Clayton’s Sex Drive: In Pursuit of Female Desire, and Katherine Angel’s Unmastered: A Book on Desire, Most Difficult to Tell.
But you guys. As much as I’m enjoying the focus on what I want, is what women want really all that difficult to figure out?
Here are just a few misperceptions you may be living with:
1. Women need their own version of Viagra.
Let’s just get this one out of the way by saying no… no they don’t. Here’s the thing. The pharmaceutical industry has medicalized “female sexual dysfunction” to the extent that, any time a woman wants it less than her partner, she assumes there’s something wrong with her.
But there’s not.
For one thing, sexual desire within the context of a relationship naturally ebbs and flows. You will inevitably reach a point where you’re just not feelin’ it. That doesn’t mean you should feel compelled to pop a pill.
Not only that, but a pill can’t possibly work for women in the same way it works for men. Why? Because the female arousal cycle is just plain different. While men typically feel horny and then seek out sex, women need some extra TLC in order to feel aroused enough to want the sex. Which means that foreplay comes before desire.
2. Women always want it less.
It’s true. Sometimes they do want it less. But sometimes, guys want it less. And sometimes — maybe even the majority of times? — women just don’t want it because they’re bored. And it’s tough to get in the mood and excited for the same old, less than thrilling roll in the hay.
So maybe you should both try a little harder? Or talk to each other about your sexual fantasies? Or suggest something new? Or all three of these?
3. Women prefer to get it over with.
Men struggling with premature ejaculation often suffer from feelings of inadequacy, worrying that their wham-bam-thank-you-ma’am style just won’t please their woman. Don’t worry about it, we tell them. There’s more than one way to have a good time, we say. And we mean it.
,Besides, a marathon session of rigorous in-and-out, in which the guy refuses to stop until his partner achieves orgasm, can oftentimes go quickly from stimulating to stale. And cause a nasty case of vaginal chafing. Especially when you’re among the majority of women who can’t orgasm from intercourse alone.
On the other hand, when a guy really gets going, hitting us in just the right spot over and over and over again, it can be a huge let-down when he suddenly comes, collapses, and pulls out.
I mean, for the love of god, we were thisclose to having our own big O!
So don’t forget about us just because you’re finished?
4. Women must be coaxed into sex.
Again, yes. Sometimes I do need an extra bit of wooing.
But sometimes, just the sight of your biceps flexing or your smile flashing or the way you just said my name starts a fire inside me that can’t be squelched. And I feel it in the flush of my cheeks. And in my nipples. And in my by-god clitoris. (And as much as I hate the word “moist,” my panties get moist.)
But here’s the thing. Women have been conditioned not to make the first move when it comes to everything from asking someone out on a date to planting that very first kiss to initiating sex to proposing marriage. Always, we must be patient and wait for these things to come to us. Am I coming on too strong? we ask ourselves in the midst of normal, flirtatious conversations. Do I seem desperate?
Because obviously, if we show a desire for sweet, sweet romance, we’re either crazypants, desperate, and/or slutty.
5. It’s all about the clit.
Hot damn I love my clitoris. And nothing sends me over the edge like some alone time with my clit vibe, or a generous dose of cunnilingus, or some skillful digital stimulation. In fact, more women enjoy clitoral orgasms than vaginal orgasms and, for that reason, there’s been a lot of emphasis placed upon the clitoris in sexy how-tos. We have to educate the masses, after all.
But just because clitoral orgasms feel fucking fantastic doesn’t mean we don’t enjoy other things. Like giving blow jobs. And experimenting with anal. And trying a bit of kinky role playing.
When it comes down to it, sex is best when we’re both having fun and, because of that, nothing’s a bigger turn-on than our partner’s enjoyment.