Ryan O’Connell is a New York-based writer. He likes shoegaze, the Olsen Twins, and figuring out why people do the things they do. Oh, and he tweets. Check back each Thursday for his latest Call Your Boyfriend column. (You KNOW you have a question. Send it to Ryan.)
I’m having a dilemma. I’ve been with my boyfriend for a year and a half, and for most of that time we’ve been having great sex. Recently, we have been exploring different sexual avenues (which sounds weird, but, you know!) and realized that we have never had sex to music. When we tried to come up with the music to do the deed to, we couldn’t agree on anything and we both ended up frustrated.
So my question to you is: what’s some good sexy time music?
Oh my God!
You’ve NEVER had sex to music before? Gee, that’s, like, 80% of the reason why I have sex with anyone at all—so they can see how good my taste in music is. How did you manage to survive sex in high school when you couldn’t drown out all of those bizarre 18-year-old-boy sex moans?
This silent film of a sex life stops today, babe. And have no fear, because I’m an EXPERT when it comes to sex music. Like, I could potentially have a career DJing in people’s bedrooms while they’re having sex. Is that a thing yet? It should be. Call my agent!
Below please find my (abridged) Foolproof Sex Mix. Please make a point to download all of these songs and title the playlist, “Music for Getting Down With the Father of My Soon-To-Be Children.” Or, you know, something super casual like that.
1. “Black Tongue” by Yeah Yeah Yeahs
Yeah Yeah Yeah’s debut record, Fever To Tell, is basically a giant orgasm layered with guitars and yelping noises. If you’re feeling lazy, you could just have sex to the entire record because there’s not one song that would cause you to stop. “Black Tongue” is arguably the clit of the album, though. Between Karen O’s constant moaning and that rough guitar riff, you and your partner will basically be trying to eat each other by the time the song ends (in a sexy way, not like the cannibal kind.)
2. “Speaking In Tongues” by Eagles Of Death Metal
This song is Kentucky fried sexual. It piggybacks on the whole sexy-garage-rock sound that the Yeah Yeah Yeahs helped create, and there’s something about this ditty in particular that feels so primal. Also, it’s super dance-y, and who doesn’t like to weirdly dance during sex?!
3. “Bedtime Story” by Madonna
Okay, now I’m taking you to a place you might not be comfortable with, emotionally, sexually, or spiritually. But just trust me and go with it. Madonna is usually the musical equivalent of a cupcake with shitty frosting, but this song, which was actually written by Bjork, is so sexy and sinister. By the time it ends, you might be locked up in a cage above your bed. It’s that hideously kinky.
4. “Strangers” by Portishead
When someone puts on Portishead during sex, you know they aren’t messing around. Like, please hold on to your seatbelt because you’re about to get some Lindsay Lohan bruises up in here. Once in college, my BF and I left in the middle of a party to go listen to Portishead and rip our clothes off in the host’s bedroom. In hindsight, it seems pretty rude to use someone else’s bed for Portishead sex (I’m even wary of having that kind of sex on MY bed) but what good are college parties if you can’t leave in the middle to bone? I mean, really? It’s all about making your own fun.
5. “On The Low” by Hope Sandoval
Okay, by now you’ve probably been whipped and gagged and are probably suffering from some form of sexual PTSD, so let’s mellow things down a bit. The detail you must know about a sex playlist is that it has to start off insane and hot to get the whole party started, but eventually it should slow down until you’re both just a puddle of goo in each other’s arms. Hope Sandoval is the lead singer of Mazzy Star, and “On The Low” is so sexy and smooth. It basically feels like drops of heroin for your ears. (Ok fine, I don’t know what heroin feels like, but I’m pretty sure it sounds like Hope Sandoval singing.)
6. “I Only Have Eyes For You” by The Flamingos
This is the part of the night where you’ve both had your big finish, and now you can drift to sleep…to some scary doo-wop music from the ‘50s. No, really, “I Only Have Eyes For You” makes my heart and loins melt. Play this song post-coitus, and your partner is basically going to break down sobbing and ask you to marry him.
All right, does this mix work for you? At least get you started? (Hint: Say yes.) Obviously, it could go longer (if your sex never lasts longer than six songs, perhaps music isn’t the problem) but you get the vibe I’m going for, right? Start off sexy and primal. Then dip into spooky “whips and chains” trip-hop before finishing off with some mushy love songs. There! You have all your bases covered. Good luck and happy listening!
What’s your opinion of rim jobs? Are they messy or sexy? My boyfriend wants to try it, but I’m nervous.
– Gay Dude
Hey Gay Dude,
I totally get why you’re nervous. In fact, I think rim jobs have caused a quiver of fear in many a gay man at some point. Simply put, it ain’t for sissies. When you do a rim job, it’s a commitment—you’re signing on the dotted asshole, so to speak—and all you can do is put your best tongue forward.
If you’ve never done it before, there are serious things to consider—specifically, the risks. Assholes can be terrifying, and if there are tears or cuts or pieces of fecal matter (hey, we’ve all got it) around your BF’s anus, you COULD wind up with E. coli, hepatitis, or herpes. Just to name a few! So if you do decide to do it, you need to make sure your boyfriend is clean down there (FYI, it will NEVER be spic and span. You look at an asshole wrong and it gets filthy. But do a little washing). You could also use a dental dam as barrier between your mouth and his butt–but I’ll be honest and say that I’ve never seen anyone actually do that.
Personally, I find rim jobs to be incredibly hot. Nothing says, “I’m attracted to you” quite like “I’m willing to put my mouth on the dirtiest part of you.” The thing about being gay is that we know our bodies are all equally dark cavernous holes, so we usually refrain from judgment and just embrace our disgusting side during sex. Plus, it can feel really good. I mean, REALLY good.
All this being said, if you really do not want to do it, just tell your boyfriend so. I highly doubt he will try to fight you on this. I mean, hello, when it comes to down to it, you are PUTTING YOUR MOUTH on someone’s anus. Ew.