Advice

The Best Relationship Advice, Hunger Games-Style

Pin it

Dear Zermet,

I’ve been with my boyfriend for two years. He’s loving, sweet, has a great job, is still attractive to me and is overall a wonderful man. Thing is, I recently met a guy who I just can’t stop thinking about. Like, he’s taken over my mind. He’s so sexy. I think he’s into me, but he’s definitely the “strong silent type” so it’s hard to tell what he’s feeling. Now I’m torn: Do I risk my stable, loving relationship for someone more exciting?

Mondull Sprintbark

Mondull, please. Too easy. Textbook Peeta/Gale situation. You’ve found yourself in the arena with Peeta, your boyfriend, but can’t stop thinking about Gale. Let me ask you something. What do you really know about Gale? That he likes to hunt? (Or perhaps like his hipster counterpart, he likes to smoke cigarettes and talk about n+1?) Peeta is in it for the long haul. A life with Peeta is a happy life. A life with Gale is a life started with some sexual charge but ultimately leads to uncertainty and disappointment. Go with the boy with the bread.

May the odds be ever in your favor,
Zermet

~


Dear Zermet,

My landlord has been making me extremely uncomfortable. Let’s be clear, I know this is a dating column but I’m not interested in dating him at all. I actually feel like he’s getting in the way of me dating anyone else. Last week he carried all my packages up to my door on the sixth floor just as an excuse to walk behind me. Last month he installed a security camera in the hallway leading to my door. And I’m pretty sure that when he came to fix my mirror he drew a smiley face on a post-it on my desk. This is freaking me out. What do I do?

Norium Jiltbloom

Oh jeez. This is tough, Norium. I mean, are you open to, well, killing him? Let’s just say you are not. But come on! Your landlord is getting all President Snow on you and you’re not going to get him to back off by simply calling 311 or writing a strongly-worded letter. No. This is way more serious. Try banding together with other people that hate him too. Start a co-op coup! Still too dramatic? You’re not going to like this option either: move to another district — er, neighborhood.

May the odds be ever in your favor,
Zermet

~

Dear Zermet,

My girlfriend was just offered a great job out of state. It’s an amazing opportunity for her and we both think she should take it. But, I have no interest in giving up my job (and life) here. Is it worth trying this long distance? Does that ever actually work?

Drazan F. Flionie

Hey, that’s great for your girlfriend. And know what? Good for you too for being so into your job (and, as you point out, life) that you don’t want to give it up for her. But as for you two, long distance? I vote no. Think of this process as the reaping of your relationship. She’s Capitol-bound and you’re sticking around in District 12. Never going to work, my friend. She’s about to enter an entirely new world where she’s going to have waaay more on her mind and all you’ll do is hold her back, illegally hunting in the woods and working in the mine. If you know what I mean ( — cough — Gale — cough).

~

Dear Zermet,

No one is responding to my brilliant date: How About We… go to the Apple store genius bar and try to stump the geniuses? I know I could try a more normal date, like going to the movies or the park, but that just feels boring. Should I be toning down my nerdiness to get girls to like me?

Nalzev Foozeplum

No! No! Ok, so no one is responding… yet. Nalzev, you remind me of a young, urban Beetee. Don’t waste your time trying to mold yourself to be perfect for a Johanna type — or even a Katniss. Wait! Wait for your Wiress. There is someone out there who you belong with. Not only will she appreciate your talents but she’ll be able to work with you to make them shine even more. Yes, that sounds cheesy. No, I don’t care. And I think your HowAboutWe date sounds awesome.

May the odds be ever in your favor,
Zermet

~

Dear Zermet,

I’ve been with my boyfriend for three years. And while everything is great — sex, talking, even our fighting is productive — I can’t shake the feeling that he’s not attracted to me. Maybe it has to do with the fact that I’ve gained 10 (15?) pounds since we started dating, though he claims he doesn’t care. How can I get him to admit that he sees me differently, and how can I fix it?

Berless Jumprose

Berless, you’ve got it all wrong. Trying to get someone to admit to being less attracted to you is only going to lead to a very un-fun, un-sexy weekend. Instead, focus on changing the way you see yourself. I know, I know, that sounds terribly cheesy. Don’t stress about the 10-15 pounds for now and instead, be your own Cinna and force yourself out of your schlumpy clothes and messy hair. Go to Forever 21 and spend $24 on a red dress. No one is unattracted to the girl who was on fire. Wear your hair in cool braids. Not only will your boyfriend sit up and notice, you’ll attract new sponsors (you don’t have to date them, but they’ll make you feel extra special).

May the odds be ever in your favor,
Zermet

~

Dear Zermet,

I’ve been hooking up with my neighbor on and off for the past six months. Chemistry’s there, definitely, and it doesn’t hurt that she lives less than five minutes away. She’s really pretty and we have a great time together at each other’s apartments, but the other day when her roommate suggested that we try to go on an actual date, she got all weird and now seems to be avoiding me. What did I do wrong?

Rimarium Ketit

My dear Rimarium, this is a classic Buttercup/Katniss situation. You guys have become close out of geographical proximity and a mutual desire for physical affection but it sounds like you’re both weary of getting into anything serious. (Really? It took six months for you to consider going on a date? And even that was suggested by someone else?) One of you has to step up here and be the Katniss. Go back to her. Pick her up. Ask her to take the next step with you. Yes, there’s a chance that there’s someone in her life she likes more than you. But there’s also a chance that this take-charge attitude will change the way she sees you and you guys could have a real shot at something. Even if she says no, she’ll at least respect you for the honest try at a new type of life together.

May the odds be ever in your favor,
Zermet

~

Dear Zermet,

I was just asked out by a guy at my gym who is admittedly pretty hot, but, from what I’ve seen, pretty boring. He seems like a lame jock-type, and listens to really bad music. Ultimately, I want to be with someone who makes me laugh and is smarter than me, not just a great body. So: do I say yes?

Rieset Elderpea

OK, so he seems boring, but you’re kind of neurotic and judgmental so it sounds like you’re both compromising. What do you really know about this guy, Rieset — that he likes going to the gym? That his headphones play music too loudly? Please. Give him a chance before you write him off. Know who else seemed easy to peg (and had a hot body)? Thresh. Remember what he did? Yeah. So go out with your gym dude. He might not save your life but he might surprise you.

May the odds be ever in your favor,
Zermet

~

Dear Zermet,

I’m five dates in with a really cool girl but she has never, ever, paid. Not even the fake-reach. Literally, check comes, and she just sits there, kind of bashfully. She seems to be normal and confident about other things, but this whole money issue is getting to be a pain. At this point I don’t even care about her paying, I just want her to offer. Is that so wrong?

Casperion Elt

Casperion, I’m not going to pretend I know what her issue is. Yes, it’s possible that she’s super prissy and old-fashioned. But I think it’s more likely that your date is going through a tough time, financially. Instead of obsessing about her doing that lame “oh let me get that” why not just enjoy the dates, enjoy the girl, and let this slide. Think of vintage Katniss and Peeta in his parents’ bakery. Was he all “Oh! No! This bread is precious. Work for it!”? No, he was generous and lovable, and you should be, too.

May the odds be ever in your favor,
Zermet

~

Dear Zermet,

I have a huge crush on a girl on my bowling team. Super great looking, amazing bowler, but unable to hold a conversation without her eyes glazing over. The only time I see her interacting with people is when she’s coaching them on their game, or talking to someone about the score. When I tried to ask what she was up to after the game she just got quiet and mumbled something about having to go practice. Practice bowling? Really? Am I wasting my time here?

Creglas Fernerhop

Poor girl. This probably isn’t as much about her rejecting you, Creglas, as it is about her own social skills. She obviously joined the team in an attempt to be make friends but now that she’s there she’s having a hard time doing anything but hiding behind her work. Think mother Everdeen. Does she love Katniss and Prim? Obviously. But she’s working through her own issues right now (RIP Katniss’s dad) and the only way she can do that is by throwing herself into her work healing all the sick people in the district. Your friend chose bowling. Slightly less noble, yes, but still valid. Who knows what issues she’s dealing with but for now just be supportive and don’t try to shake up her world too much. Wait for someone more mentally stable. It’s not that hard.

May the odds be ever in your favor,
Zermet

~

Dear Zermet,

I met a guy online and went on two really fantastic dates (there was bowling! There was really good kissing! Come on!). After the first date he texted to see if I got home OK, and then flirty texts throughout the rest of the night. After the second date, he asked me to come home with him. That’s a little fast for me so I politely declined, but said I’d be down to see him again. He said “definitely.” But then: nothing. No calls, no texts. What happened?

Lismet Skipoppy

There’s only one explanation for a guy that doesn’t call: he’s done something terrible and has become an Avox. Please, shrug it off. You’re better off without him.

May the odds be ever in your favor,
Zermet

Zermet T. Chasinnia is a writer/editor living in Brooklyn with her fiancé, who is a total Peeta.

facebook_stalk_modern_dating