Earlier this week, a Nebraskan judge gave the kind of ruling you only see in sitcoms and told a criminal “You need to focus on you.” He banned the man from any romantic relationships as part of a 36-month probationary period. Yes, this sounds sort of like a suggestion posted on a Taylor Swift fan-site by a 12-year-old groupie, but I assure you it was actually a court-appointed judge.
Because we’re all for getting ex-cons back on their feet, here are a few solo date ideas for the criminal’s 36 dry months.
1. If your budget is tight, sir, (and let’s be honest, crime doesn’t pay) try checking the “Free” section of your local Omaha Craigslist. You’ll find such gems as:
Set out the firewood, light it up, and go crazy. Just not too crazy to have to visit that judge again.
2. The judge said nothing about furry companions, so get yourself a dog. Spend a night teaching it to do one awesome trick. Not just any ol’ dog trick. I’m talking- training this dog to be a beast.
Added bonus: your house will look fantastic.
3. I assume you were interested in the idea of becoming a burglar at some point, right? Everyone’s got dreams. Maybe you can channel those dreams, though, into the vision of yourself as a burglar rather than into actual acts of burglary? Spend a night shopping for a black hat with a yellow band, a black eye mask, a white and black striped shirt, and any red accessories you can find.
They might even give you a discount at McDonald’s for your trouble. Please don’t stick ’em up if they don’t.
4. How do you feel about TV? I hope good! Because your next date option is likely to be your most frequent.
My show suggestion for you is Breaking Bad, mostly for the cautionary tale of how crime is bad.
5. This date is not for the faint of heart, which is why I know you’ve got it under control, you maniac you. Go to your local supermarket and scout cheeses that begin with different letters of the alphabet. Bonus points for finding at least half the letters. I’ll get you started with A… and then it’s up to you and you alone. Like really, really alone. Like 36 court-ordered months of alone.
Adelost cheese. Yumm. Proceed to eat them all.
6. You live in Nebraska and should be proud of it, because there are judges there that give probation-no-dating sentences. Kind of a great state for you. Spend one night showing your appreciation by blasting Bruce Springsteen’s groundbreaking record Nebraska.
Also, this basically couldn’t be more right for you. The cover says “The Solo-Album.” No brainer. Brothers in Solo-tude.
Main image by Clyde Robison