Advice

The Foolproof Guide to Ending a Dry Spell

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Ryan O’Connell is a New York-based writer. He likes shoegaze, the Olsen Twins, and figuring out why people do the things they do. Oh, and he tweetsCheck back each Thursday for his latest Call Your Boyfriend column. (You KNOW you have a question. Send it to Ryan.)

Boyfriend.

I haven’t had sex in like two pregnancies. I’m horny as hell and this warm weather isn’t helping. Any tips on how to end a dry spell?
-Summer Love

Yo summer love,

I feel you about being hornier in the spring and summer. I’m glad I’m not the only one who finds this weather to be straight up erotic. Bare legs everywhere, warm breezes — it’s like nature’s foreplay, right?

I also understand far too well the curse of celibacy and how damaging it can be to your psyche. Once I went a year and a half without ANY physical contact and by the end of it, I was convinced that I was a gargoyle and that no one would ever touch me again. That’s not an exaggeration. I straight up thought I would never see a man’s penis for the rest of my existence.

While dry spells are perfectly normal, I’ve found that they can get very, very #dark if left untreated. Not only do you start to feel undesirable, you also have nothing sexy to contribute when you go to brunch with your friends! (JK on the brunch part, except not JK.) In my case, I actually started to become fearful of men and intimacy. It had been so long for me that the thought of hooking up with someone felt like a horror movie. Are you at the “sex as a horror movie” stage yet? If so, heed this advice.

If you want to get laid this summer, the number one thing to do is to temporarily forget that you have standards. I’m kidding! Standards are great! You should never misplace them somewhere! But on the real, if you’ve gone a long time without sex, you might have to be a little more open-minded when it comes to choosing your partner, because they aren’t the biggest factor in this whole situation. Let’s be honest here: you’re probably just going to use them as a gateway body to get your mojo back. Then, once you bone and feel like a billion Dubai dollars again, you can go pursue the Ryan Gosling look-alike of your dreams. (Is that terrible to say? I’m not telling you to go have sex with someone you abhor. Just, after a certain point, who you sleep with isn’t the most significant thing in the world. You have to get back on that horse!)

Other surefire tips to get laid ASAP:

– Work out, not because you need to be skinny for people to notice you, but because you will feel so good about yourself that it’ll translate into everyone wanting to sleep with you.

– Pretend that you’re moving away soon. I swear it’s the best trick. I’m leaving NYC for real in a few months, and knowing that there’s an expiration date to my life here has made me not care about anything other than having fun. I’m dropping YOLO’s on every corner.

– Listen to “Beautiful” by Mariah Carey and Miguel while sticking your bare feet out the window and sucking on a tangerine popsicle.

– Don’t isolate yourself. Go to every birthday party, every reading at the Audubon society, every rooftop BBQ. What’s awesome about the summer is that people come out of hiding and actually go outside. Life is moving fast and it’s everywhere, so don’t hole up and order Seamless every night. That’s what the month of February is for.

– Last but certainly not least, be sure to pack an IDGAF attitude whenever you go out. Nothing screams, “I’m going to get laid soon!” than someone who’s like, “I don’t care if I’m going to get laid soon!” Oh yeah, and don’t hang out too much with couples. That definitely won’t get you laid.

 

If a guy asks you out for just drinks on a first date, rather than dinner, does that mean he’s only interested in sex? Or is he just not that into me?

-Hungry For Dinner

OMG, LOL, no! If a guy chooses to have drinks with you on a first date, it does NOT mean he’s only interested in having sex or that he’s not into you. Look, first dates are scary and you never know what you’re getting yourself into. People often choose to grab drinks in lieu of dinner because it’s less of a commitment. That way, if there ends up being no chemistry, you can just get the check and bounce rather than having to sit awkwardly through appetizers, main course, and dessert. You’re basically giving yourself insurance in case the date ends up being a dud.

I know some serial daters who are experts at aborting a bad date. Like, they ALWAYS say that they have plans later, even if it’s not true. If, for some miraculous reason, the date ends up being amazing, they can always “cancel” their prior plans or even come clean about having made them up. It’s a foolproof system and you know what? People usually get it. They know that dates are a gamble, and you do what you have to do in order to get out alive. Don’t take it personally, babe. This is just how it works. While going out to dinner would be AMAZING (with the right guy, anyway), it might be something you wait for on the second date.

 

Do you think there’s a right time to say I love you? I have been in two other “I love you” relationships in my life (I’m 26). I suspect that my current bf loves me, but I don’t think he has had any past relationships that have made it to that stage. We’ve been dating since September (officially bf/gf since December) and I definitely feel that I love him. (I think this one might be THE one!) I am in no rush to say it, but just wanted to know your thoughts…on knowing when the other person in the relationship is ready?

Kaitlin

Hey Kaitlin,

I will never totally understand the tension and lead-up to saying “I love you” to someone. We’ve built it up so much in our culture that it’s become something to fear rather than celebrate. I get that it’s an important milestone in relationships, but at a certain point it’s rather obvious, isn’t it? You know they love you, you can see it in the way they look into your eyes (corny but real), and now there’s just three words hanging over the relationship like a death cloud to confirm something you already know to be true.

You get this. It’s not your first time at the rodeo because, as you said, you’ve been in two “I love you” relationships before. But your boyfriend is inexperienced, which means that he’s drinking the “I love you” Kool-Aid. He’s treating it like this big scary thing when really it’s something that’s probably already there. Falling in love and being in an exclusive relationship is the hard part. Saying “I love you” is something that should come as a natural afterthought. I don’t blame him for not saying it, though. If you’ve never said it to a significant other before, it can become this Other Thing, and you also might not even know how to actually tell if you’re in love. You could be like, “I want to be with this person 24/7, they make me want to vomit from pleasure, but, like, is that love?! IDK!” Yes, dude. It is! Stop wondering! What you want is already right there in front of you.

Unfortunately, there’s no real way to speed your boyfriend up. People say “I love you” when they want to say “I love you.” That being said, because he’s never said it before, maybe you could take the lead and just say it first? I know that can be terrifying because you run the risk of him not saying it back, but if it’s really starting to bother you and you’re confident in your relationship, you should just do it. Slay the “I love you” beast. Again, you know more about relationships than he does. Give him a little map. Help him along. On the off chance that he doesn’t say it back, then at least you know where you two stand!

Check back each Thursday for Ryan’s latest Call Your Boyfriend column. And you KNOW you have questions — send them to Ryan.

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