Advice

The Hard-Hitting Question: Have You Been Secretly Peed On?

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Fair warning: I’m going to be talking about peeing in this article. If that makes you uncomfortable, now would be a good time to, um, continue reading while being more of an adult. Everyone does it! Peeing, that is. It’s just that people don’t really do it during sex. At least on accident.

This was the conclusion that Josh and I came to on the podcast this week, where a listener followed up on an earlier question about an urge to pee during sex by proclaiming, “You’ve both definitely been peed on.” I, like maybe many of you, did not react well to being told that I’ve been non-consensually pissed upon, so I crunched some (quick and dirty) numbers. I’m going to address why that’s not true, but first let’s talk about the urge to pee as it relates to sex.

Many women experience a feeling of needing to pee during sex, especially as they approach orgasm. This sucks, because it can distract them from getting off, and, of course, can lead them to believe that they are going to pee all over some unsuspecting dude or lady who is (apparently) doing a damn good job down there. Luckily, this is pretty very unlikely– that feeling is mostly caused by all the added pressure in your bladder region, and won’t actually culminate in you peeing.

Unless you suffer from stress urinary incontinence. This is just a fancy way of saying that sometimes you pee a little when your nether regions are, um, jarred. Laughing, lifting a large object, or having an orgasm are all common reasons for this to happen. Stress urinary incontinence is almost always the result of one of three things: giving birth, heavy pelvic trauma, or getting old. But in general it’s rare. I had some trouble finding solid numbers here, but one study found that approximate 4 out of 100 people in the UK are “regularly incontinent.”

Which brings me to my point: what are the chances that I’ve been peed on without my knowledge? Well, let’s do that math. Numbers for the average number of partners a man will have over his lifetime have varied over the past few years, but have ranged between 7 and 9.

Let’s round that up to 10, because math is hard (and men are slutty). Since we’re talking about peeing during orgasms, we have to account for women who have trouble orgasming with a partner, which is about 1 in 3.

All told, the generous estimate of my chances of being secretly peed on are down to a scant .26%, and, as cool as the phrase “stealth watersports” sounds, I’m comfortable with a 99.74% chance of never having been involved in them. However, that’s just crunching the numbers with the number of partners, not the frequency of the acts. When you account for all that (and the fact that we’re all getting older) even if your chances are good now, they may dwindle with each passing year.

Maybe it’s time to keep some Kleenex next to the bed.

Aaron and Josh are two guy friends who have a podcast in which they try to answer questions about dating, romance, relationships, sex, and the vagueries of human interaction. (“If you’re not a straight cismale, then we (may) have the answers you’re searching for.”) They’ll be writing a weekly post on The Date Report expanding on some of the topics covered in their weekly podcast.

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