Sexytime

The Pros and Cons of Hooking Up With Your Ex

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Having sex with an ex is kind of like eating Pringles. Once you pop you can’t stop until you end up sweaty and disoriented surrounded by a graveyard of empty cans with traces of cheese dust on your face and a deep sense of regret. But it doesn’t have to be that way. Here are some pros and cons to reuniting with an old flame:

PRO:

You know what you’re in for. No one’s going to try to stick a cucumber somewhere crazy (unless you want them to.)

CON:

You know what you’re in for. Familiar can be boring.

PRO:

They’ve seen you at your worst (aka that time you shit yourself at Bubba Gump Shrimp Company) and they still want to hook up with you.

CON:

They’ve seen you at your worst. Do you really want to have sex with someone who wants to have sex with an incontinent person? Standards, people.

PRO:

You won’t get murdered by a Tinder date who turns out to be a serial killer.

CON:

You could get murdered in a crime of passion and vengeance. (Just kidding, you won’t get murdered.)

PRO:

Obligatory cuddling. Anyone who says they don’t like spooning is a bald-faced liar.

CON:

Obligatory cuddling. Spooning leads to warm and fuzzy feelings, and will definitely complicate the already precarious emotional situation you’re working with.

PRO:

They know how to get you off.

CON:

They suck you back in with that sweet, sweet lovin’.

PRO:

You don’t have to look hot in the morning. (Again, they have seen you literally shit yourself.)

CON:

They probably won’t stay the night, which leaves you feeling the tiniest bit like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman pre-Richard Gere.

PRO:

You can get out any lingering animosity by hate-fucking them.

CON:

You may get too “in the zone” and draw blood.

PRO:

You don’t have to exert energy going on dates.

CON:

Dates are fun, and banging your ex is a surefire way to prevent you from meeting someone new and cool.

PRO:

They’ve changed and things are better than ever.

CON:

Oh wait, nope.

PRO:

Now they want to get back together.

CON:

Now they want to get back together.