This quiz is the second in a series. (Previously: Are You Ready To Make Your Relationship Facebook Official?)
1. How did he ask you to go on a second date?
a. He called you and asked you out to dinner on Saturday night.
b. He texted, “U up?”
c. You waited outside of his apartment so you could “casually” run into him and then proposed going out again yourself.
2. What did you do for a second date?
a. Dinner at a cute restaurant that you had mentioned to him when you first met.
b. Ripped shots of rail liquor at a bar below his apartment because he was already there and asked you to meet up with him.
c. You planned a day of watching soccer and eating Vietnamese food, because that’s what his profile says he’s into.
3. Who paid on the second date?
a. He paid for everything, even splurged for champagne.
b. You split the bar tab, to the penny.
c. You paid for everything — and splurged for strawberry shortcake even though you’re allergic.
4. How did the second date end?
a. He walked you back to your apartment where you shared a really romantic kiss.
b. He left your place early in the morning saying he had “a lot of stuff to do today.”
c. He went to the bathroom halfway through the date and still hasn’t come back.
5. How often are you talking to each other?
a. You message each other pretty regularly.
b. He texts you on weekends, but only after 1am.
c. You are constantly contacting him: texts, emails, calls, Facebook chats, Twitter messages, LinkedIn requests, inter-office mail.
6. What do you talk about when you’re together?
a. Cooking, which is a shared interest.
b. The wild party he went to last week that was “loaded with models.”
c. Mostly about him: when he wants to get married, how many kids he wants, if he prefers the suburbs or the city for raising a family.
7. What was his last text message to you?
a. “Great time tonight!”
c. It’s taking too long to scroll back because all of the recent texts are from you.
8. What song best describes your last date?
a. “Everlasting Love”
b. “Part Time Lover”
9. What is his name in your phone?
a. His full name.
b. “Dave blue shirt”
c. “The Beau” with a heart next to it.
10. What is your name in his phone?
a. Your full name.
b. “Sarah uptown”
c. Do Not Answer
Your dating situation is the stuff of gossip-brunch-myths. Girls are sitting with their friends over frittatas and Bellinis saying, “I know a girl who had a guy actually call her ON THE PHONE and ask her out to dinner!” as the rest of the table rolls their eyes in doubt and takes another large swig of alcohol at breakfast. Go ahead and reserve a church, audition bands, and start thinking about which matching J.Crew dress you’ll make your single friends buy and never wear again. For their sake, make sure you have an open bar at the reception.
This string of post-last-call hookups and awkward monosyllabic texts ending in a dinner date is about as likely as Kim and Kanye packing up and moving to a quiet suburb to raise their child. Third dates are for people who know each others’ last names and have seen the other person in lighting that isn’t a bar bathroom, maybe even–gasp!–in daylight. This relationship is like an office dress code on a Friday: casual.
For you, the movie Misery is a romantic comedy. If you do see this guy again, it won’t be a date so much as a hostage situation. Stop short of locking him up in your snowed-in cabin and consider channeling your obsessive efforts into something less…terrifying. Maybe take up a hobby, like knitting. If you find yourself making hundreds of pairs of baby shoes for your “future children with him” put down the needles and go immediately to a hospital.
More like this:
- 23 Reasons To Date A Midwesterner
- Dating Advice As Told By Cats
- 10 Reasons to Date Someone in the Arts