I want to take a moment and write to you as a friend, a very good friend, a very gay friend.
For centuries our peoples have shared information, laughed and drank our way through a myriad of life ups and downs. We’ve helped each other through a lot. Where some would say codependent, we say just good company. You’ve helped us come out, and we’ve helped you come out from behind those bangs. But now we stand on the precipice of a new frontier and we want to make sure you’re not going in there alone.
So Ladies, welcome to the world of the sex App. You’ve taken to Tinder like a house aflame. Yes, like vogueing, rim jobs, and RuPaul’s Drag Race, it’s one more thing that straight ladies have lifted right out of gay culture for their own gain.
Now technically, Tinder is a “dating app.” It’s all about “love” and “finding someone special.” But have no doubt about it, this is for finding fun, not finding the one. They may have stock photos of happy couples holding hands but so does Valtrex, and we all know what got us there.
So before you venture forth into the world of the sex app, I feel as though, we, your gays should teach you about the etiquette of the sex app. We’ve had experience. And now, just think, you can ignore us at bars too. And when we see your hungry eyes glisten in the white glow of a hot date only feet away, we will smile the smile of any proud parent, and say, “She’s all grown up.”
Now these are hard won lessons we have gathered from years on multiple sex apps like Grindr, Scruff, Mister, Hornet, and others so shameful they shall not be named. (We’ve become so comfortable with the sex app we have broken down into sub genres.)
Know the Terrain
This is not Facebook. This is not Twitter. This is not a your blog. We do not need a lot of feelings, or insight here. We do not need humor. No pun is ever that funny. We are here for sex, and there is nothing funny about sex. At least not with the people you are having it with. We can laugh later about it, together, privately, a bottle of merlot in. But here, keep your answers short, simple, and straightforward.
No means No
The biggest complaint about Grindr, is it’s meanness. It’s like a burn book come to life, or a big game of Racist Boggle. You endlessly see guys with washboard abs making duck faces and saying things like “No Asians,” or “No Fats, No Fems.” It’s terrible and totally unnecessary. We know that being Ladies, won’t be so blatantly rude, but just in case. Remember: When all your profile says is no, I already have my answer.
If you don’t want to talk to someone, swipe left. Swipe left on your friends, people you know from work, and people you have more than three mutual friends with. Swipe left anyone you just don’t like looking at. A tidy workspace is a clear space.
It will mostly all come down to your picture. This not a meet and greet, this is greet and meat. Here are some great general rules.
No Bathroom Selfie: The lighting is never that good. And nobody looks sexy standing next to a toilet.
No Duck Face: When have you ever seen a hot duck?
No Total Eclipse Shot: Generally, it’s better to err on the side of normal. Don’t pick the one shot, taken on that one specific day, when the sun was covered by 26.8 percent cloud overlay and your friend was a little distracted, so she held the camera at the one angle at which you look like Charlize Theron. You’re beautiful daily. Pick something good.
Nothing Headless: Grindr is awash with washboard abs. Don’t do it. You have a head. Hopefully there’s a brain there, and a smile. It’s sort of important, so show it. Also remember that this is the first time he is going to see you, so make a good impression. Do you want to be in his phone as “Heather Juggs” or “Ass Crack Carolyn?”
If I Could Turn Back Time: This is not a time for nostalgia, girls. Yes, you were so adorbs in high school, but, just like the time of the scrunchie, it’s history. We need recent, up to the minute reporting, so something in the last three months please.
Be Alone: There is nothing less appealing than sending some abbreviated sext to a picture of a girl smiling with her Nana. Yes, you both looked great and the blue in her hair made your eyes pop, but the focus should be solely on you. If Nana wants to get some, let her get her own account.
Beware of Carlos Danger
Dick pics. You are going to see ‘em. Lots of ‘em. Of course, you can say no and be respected for that decision. But there’s always going to be a Carlos Danger out there, so beware. It’s a weird thing. I used to think that the dick pick was just a modern evolution of body awareness. Since men have their “genny’s” on the outside maybe they just want to show them off more. But after umpteen years on Grindr, I think we just might all be gross. Regardless, any dick pic you get, you need to save and show us. Sisters share.
Be Honest and Be Safe
Tell the truth about yourself. You’re pretty great and you deserve to be with people that are pretty great too. Stats and the distance away from each other are just numbers. It’s up to you to know where you’re coming from and know where you want to go.
One Last Thing
Your = Something belonging to you.
You’re = You are. Action or state of being.
(Trust us, you’ll know why you need this lesson after your 20th swipe.)
So from the gays, we say welcome to the world of slutting it up on the go. We’re glad to have one more thing in common with our girls.