Look, there are worst indignities in the world than having someone unbutton your blouse or lift up your dress, only to be confronted with an enormous piece of shapewear that goes up to your navel. It’s not the absolute worst thing that can happen to a person…
….but it’s definitely not the best, sexiest thing that can happen, either.
I feel like as a dating blogger, and as a feminist, I should say something like, “F that, a guy is lucky to be hooking up with you, whether you’re swathed in restrictive lycra or not!” But the truth is, it’s important to feel sexy, and while Spanx will make you feel amazing while you’re dressed, when you’re undressed they hardly have the alluring effect of, say, a La Perla negligee. And isn’t the point of all the make-up and clothing and hair product we don an attempt to convince the world at large that we look that way naturally? Glimpsing the shapewear under the evening gown at the end of the night, even if you know it’s there, is a little like peeking into a magician’s bag and finding a dozing rabbits and a fake rubber saw: it ruins the effect.
And yet! Women wear shapewear. And women have sex. And, by George, it is possible to do both!
- You can act unfazed and tell the other person you’re “a journalist,” as Julianne Smolinksi did when a hook-up tried to cop a feel of her fake butt. (Doesn’t matter if you’re not really a journalist — they’re not going to care that much.)
- You can do as Bridget Jones does when Daniel Cleaver discovers her “absolutely enormous” control-top knickers, and laugh it off. (He seemed pretty undeterred by them, by the way.)
- You can excuse yourself for a moment, find the nearest bathroom, shimmy out of them, and stuff them into your purse. If your purse is too small, you can ask yourself what’s more valuable, hooking up with this person? Or a $40 pair of stomach-sucking shapewear? (Sometimes it will be the hookup. Sometimes it will be the shapewear.)
- You can pretend that it actually is the new, Rosie the Riviter-inspired line from La Perla. Then pose a little bit, like a pin-up.
- You can make it part of your foreplay by handing your hook-up a pair of scissors and saying, “Cut me out of these, baby”. Then act turned on by it.
- You can pretend you’re Gwyneth Paltrow in “Shakespeare in Love,” when Joseph Fiennes has to sexily unwrap her out of her shapewear (which she uses to, yes, look like a man. Details.).
Have you ever been faced with the position of explaining your spanx to a hook-up? Was it awkward, or did you handle it like a pro? Enlighten us, please!