In many cultures, babies born with a caul, or part of the amniotic sac, over their faces were thought to possess the power of the second sight. I personally was born with a full, luscious beard, and as such have the ability to divine what one’s facial hair style says about them. So peer past the veil of Maya with me, and know the truth about your mug fuzz!
Full Beard and ‘Stache
Image via Veer
You enjoy both the warmth and physical barrier provided by a face sweater. You are nervous about flirting with people, until you realize you can just stand perfectly still and let the pheromones in your beard permeate the room. Men and women drift over as if on a breeze, your musk beckoning like the ghostly hand of a hot pie in a Looney Tunes cartoon. You will find true love with a down-to-earth lady or gentleman, and it will be years before you realize you have the exact same wardrobe of warm plaids and sensible work boots. You two mash cake into each other’s faces at the wedding, but in a cute way that doesn’t make any or your guests uncomfortable or sad. The frosting on your beard doesn’t ruin the pictures.
Goatee with Mustache (Also Known Absurdly as “The Circle Beard”)
Image via Veer
Will Smith, Brad Pitt, Guy Fieri: these are the men on whom you base your life and facial hair. Grooming is next to Godliness, you always say, a motto which your brother-in-law wisely advises against putting on your Match.com profile. Generally a nice enough guy, you will push a crying hairdresser out of a SVU at least once in your life. You will find true love with someone whose shirts are as neatly tucked in as yours and who has their own crying hairdresser in their past. You forgive each other your darknesses.
Just a Beard, No Mustache
Image via Flickr
You are either an Amish person or an NFL offensive lineman. Whichever one you are, you wish you were the other. That creative tension within you ignites a friction that drives your partners wild. Your go-to flirting technique is chuckling warmly and shaking your head. Due to your quiet nature, it can be hard for you to muster up the gumption to ask people out. Have faith in yourself and our Almighty Lord! If you do, you will find true love with a tall, hardworking Midwesterner who believes that having their picture taken steals part of their soul.
Image via Veer
You think you are either Ron Swanson or a gay ‘70s porn star. The embodiment of both will be your life’s erotic work. The thickness and lustre of your ‘stache will activate the loins of many around you, making an unspoken biological promise that you agree to by inviting them to a gallery opening or art film you (incorrectly) think they will like. More than anything you will try, try, try your best. Through this effort, you will find true love with a sweaty, meaty dark-haired man or woman who loves breakfast. You will effortlessly flow into your role as cute dad and doting grandfather as melted snows flows down the mountainside to the sea.
Absurd Novelty Mustache
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You will be well-loved but rarely tolerated. You will have two types of romantic partners in your life: those who love how your face looks like a Wooly Willy portrait of Salvador Dali, and those who roll their eyes behind your back at every incredulous Dunkin Donuts cashier you meet. You will find true love. You and the love of your life will die as you lived: riding a tandem pennyfarthing to your Burning Man decompression group. All of your exes will sprinkle a handful of playa dust on your joint grave, as your will instructs.
Image via Veer
You are either a private eye or else just a guy who never really learned how to get a close shave without your skin freaking out. Where do people learn that? You approach love the same way as you approach each new day: lifting your head from the pillow, looking around blurrily, then silently panicking about how late it is. Your go-to flirting technique is loudly scratching your chin and shrugging. Occasionally, a man or woman steps out of a crowded bar and locks eyes with you. They come to you for a light and once again you are so glad smoking exists. You find true love with one of them, and they complain about how their face and lips are constantly chapped and scrapped to hell. You apologize profusely, but secretly they don’t really mind. It’s these secret knowledges that keep your relationship alive.
Elaborately-Shaped Chinstrap Beard
Image via Walhnation
You value getting swole over giving your heart away. You figure that, technically, if you think about it, 365 one-night stands is kind of the same thing as a year-long relationship. Your go-to flirting technique is looking over your sunglasses and smiling really, really big. After your 19-year-old fuck buddy leaves you to finish their engineering degree, you will find true love with a man or woman who sells a line of luxury skin products. When you two break up, you find their tank top in the bathroom and sleep with it at night, comforting yourself with the smell until you find your next beloved. You never realize that is it actually your tank top.
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You are either a highly-cultured consumer of camp or a total pervert, and attract the same. Your go-to flirting technique is pinching someone really hard on the meaty part of their arm and staring them dead in the eyes. After a series of failed relationships, you fall in love with an enchanted evil mirror in a funhouse and appear to terrified children at sleepovers through the bathroom vanity. Once you appear to John Waters in his bathroom, and he rolls his eyes at your look, which both annoys and intrigues you. You have a brief, torrid affair with him. You never quite get over it, and cry every time you watch Serial Mom.
Image via Veer
You like your beards how you like your pubes: looking silly as hell. Your go-to flirting technique is challenging hotties to a game of pool, even when you’re standing in line at the DMV. You know your audience well, so it frequently works. You will find true love, but will lose it to Len brother-sister singers Marc and Sharon Constanzo. You will watch them blissfully roll by on their matching Motorrad scooters and weep. You find someone else. He or she refuses to walk down the aisle to Avril Lavigne ft. Chad Kroeger’s “Let Me Go,” but other than that you make it work. You always make it work.