Prince Charming (Cinderella)
Oh, you’ve chosen Prince Charming, have you? It seems like you’ve gone for the easy choice. His name is Prince Charming, after all. But is he really the cutest? Is he really the right one for you? Is he really the love of your life? That is what is at stake here! It seems to me you might get fooled by overly-romantic gestures (the whole pumpkin carriage/dancing in the moonlight/searching for the slipper-owner thing), and possibly bad pickup lines, when you really need to think about what you actually want. You also might be easily fooled by someone who you think can save you. And to be fair, Prince Charming lit-er-al-ly saved Cinderella’s ass. She would have been cleaning those Step Sisters’ toilets until the cows came home. I mean, PHEW Cinderella. That was a close one. And while that kind of thing does happen in real life (I’m thinking of Anna Nicole Smith right now for some reason, but surely there are better examples), you should never count on it too heavily. Unless you have humongous breasts. Or I guess in Cinderella’s case, a beautiful foot. I mean, do you want a man to marry you just for your beautiful foot? (Or your humongous breasts?)
Robin Hood (Robin Hood)
You’re a good person, aren’t you? I like you. You not only value good deeds, and demand that your partner does, too. I think you’re also the kind of person who will not settle. You will end up meeting an absolute 10, and you will lead a ridiculously happy life. In the country side. Yes, I am thinking of Sherwood Forest. And people will look at your pictures on Facebook and say “Oh God I just HATE her, that lucky, lucky duck.” With Robin Hood, you have found the little diamond in the rough. Robin Hood is easily overlooked because he’s a fox. But because he is so often overlooked, he doesn’t just automatically think anyone will sleep with him. He won’t cheat on you. He appreciates the good in people, which attracts him to other good people. He will choose a partner that he is head-over-heels with. And if that’s you, I say, lucky lucky duck I HATE you.
Sounds like you might be longing for an alternative lifestyle. You don’t want traditional fairy tales. You want gender — equality? Ambiguity? Maybe you’re not even in search of a man! But let’s say you are: interesting choice. Shang is a badass hunk who has certainly flown under the radar, receiving less attention than other Prince’s in his hotness-ballpark, like Eric or Aladdin. But perhaps that’s for good reason. He really isn’t anything without Mulan. He needs her to teach him the ways of life (mainly about trans-gender dressing.) And he’s also sexist. So I’m guessing, if Shang is your kind of guy, you’re looking for someone to mold. You want to lead the way. Just be careful. That’s very hard to do. Shang changes his tune because he is a cartoon character. Human beings are less likely to change. And being in stressful situations usually does not bring out the best in people.
Listen, I think we all know that Aladdin is the hottest Disney character ever drawn, and if you think he is your dream boyfriend, you are not thinking with your heart or your brain. Aladdin is not intelligent, has zero ambition, and only loves Jasmine because she is beautiful. His idea of wooing a woman is treating her like a “prize to be won”, and he doesn’t even change. So I think we need to think about what this means for you and your quest for love. Your expectations aren’t unrealistic, but they may be out of whack. You can’t just rely on someone’s looks and their cute little vests and the fact that they own a magic carpet! Think about your last three ex-boyfriends. Were they hot jerks who didn’t treat you with enough respect? They were, weren’t they?! Frankly, I’m worried about you. I don’t want you wasting your best years going through heaps of hot men who are emotionally unavailable for you until, years from now, you wake up all alone and realize you’re just tired of this whole thing. You deserve more than that.
Prince Adam (Beauty and the Beast)
I don’t think that Prince Adam is a terrible person, I don’t. I mean, he was, before Belle came and taught him an important life lesson. But he loves her and gives her her own library and there’s something sweet and almost kind — he was mean and he was coarse and unrefined. (Yes, I’m using song lyrics as a primary source.) Oh, and he almost dies for Belle. I mean, on paper, the prince is a winner, and if he’s what you’re looking, for I’m assuming you’re a good, non-shallow person. (Or you have a thing for guys in 80’s hair bands.) But I’m not a good, non-shallow person, and I’m more opposed to what he does with his hair. So if Prince Adam is your dream boy, I think you actually take love seriously. You know how much work a good relationship takes. You know that your boyfriend’s long hair might be longer than yours and it gets caught in the shower drain all the time and it takes 8 hours to style and it has too much product in it, but since your boyfriend is a wonderful person who gives you libraries, you over look this. You are going to have a wonderful life partner. I can see it now — he buys you whatever you want and you can be a total bitch to him, and you keep getting hotter (with all the Botox) and he gets… fatter and hairier (I mean we remember what that looked like, right?), and you find yourself at age 55 in a sexless marriage with kids you don’t even know but a few $10,000 purses to replace them. Wait, I’m not talking about Beauty and The Beast. I am thinking of The Real Housewives of New York City. Focus, Lauren.
Prince Eric (The Little Mermaid)
I’m going to assume that you’ve fallen in love many, many times. It might change daily. With the last guy you saw, maybe. Because sure, Eric is kind of cute, but what else is his appeal, exactly? Is it the castle? Don’t be with him because of the castle! You might have a tendency to want unattainable men. Whether that be because he is of another species or just has a girlfriend, I don’t know. But if Eric is the kind of guy you’re chasing, start interrupting your fantasies with reality. Ask yourself “what will this really be like? This is not a fairy tale!” Another note: you might be a bit masochistic. I mean, Ariel went through an extreme physical transformation and made a deal with the devil and had her vocal chords ripped out and left her family and life and past forever to be with… Prince Eric. Regardless whether he is a good choice or not (he’s attractive, yet dumb), I think the larger issue is that you could fall so head over heels with someone you barely know and give up everything for him. You deserve much better. A guy who works for a living and will actually make the first move. Remind yourself of that.