As you know, beer is dependent on the season and weather. And since stouts are meant to be had on days that are typically not 100 degrees in the shade, order one on a winter date. (Perhaps you’re sporting a sweater?) So what I’m trying to say is, if you order a Stout on the Fourth of July, you might look like you don’t know what the f*ck you’re talking about. But the true Stout drinker is refined, yet adventurous. He isn’t as pretentious as an IPA drinker, but he still knows quality when it touches his lips.
This is a safe choice. Pilsners are rooted in tradition and mostly have the same flavors dated back to how they were created in the Czech Republic. This shows your date that you are classier than drinking total crap, but aren’t really a risk taker either. There are some great pilsners out there (just like there are great dates), but you will probably have trouble distinguishing quality. Pilsners are often great session beers meaning you can have more than one in a sitting. So if your date orders a Pilsner, you might ready yourself for a marathon drinking date. (Just don’t get too drunk, I don’t have to tell you what that says about you to a date.) Though it’s safe, don’t be mistaken. It’s still damn good beer.
Pale ales drinkers enjoy complexity without getting overzealous. They want some spice in their life but don’t want to be blown away by some of the hopped up IPAs. Ordering one will show your date you are down for adventure. No one can talk shit about someone drinking a pale ale. It’s middle of the road that can always surprise you. And spontaneity is what make relationships fun.
Wheat beer drinkers want to be seen as a beer drinker without trying. If you are a wheat beer drinker, you want people to think you appreciate beer but don’t want to actually drink beer. Don’t get me wrong! There are some great wheat beers out there, but I think of wheat beer like a wine drinker who prefers Pino Grigio. You want it sweet. And that’s fine. But please — expand your horizons beyond Blue Moon. You’ll look like a tool to your date if he/she is a true beer drinker.
Lagers can be delicious, but if you order a lager in the USA you are most likely getting something from Budwieser or MillerCoors. A traditional lager is delicious, but rice brewed lagers (like anything you see commercials during an NFL game) are not going to impress your date. And let’s face it: you are probably the type that drinks to get drunk, not to enjoy beer for the art that it is. You will look cheap and say you prefer quantity over quality. That is something you most likely don’t want your date to think. There is an old joke that says “Light beer is like having a sex in a canoe. It’s f*cking close to water.” You’re better than that. Your date deserves better, too.
People who drink IPA are “beer drinkers”. They are the type who thinks they know more than everyone else. So, you probably think you have a sophisticated palette. (Whether it’s true or not.) Appearances are important to you, though, and you don’t want to be seen as a loser to your date. You’ve been on a brewery tour to Heartland Brewery, and mention it often. You call yourself a “hop head” despite having no idea what hops are. Ordring an IPA is fine, but do so because you like it, not because you are trying to impress your date.
Remember: drink what makes you happy. But don’t be surprised if your date judges you for it just a tiny bit.
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