Advice

Where You Should And Should Not Give A Guy A Hand-Job

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I went shopping at a vintage store the other day and bought myself this really sassy, shoulder-padded ‘80s number. I paired it with scrunchy socks and one of those gold-plaited name necklaces that said “Sara.” The whole thing left me feeling retro, and “feeling retro” makes me think one thing, and one thing only:

Hand-jobs.
Ah, the hand-job. So old school, right? So very the-thing-I-used-to-do-before-I-did-the-other-stuff. So wonderfully vintage. Well, I think it’s time to bring it back. That is, if ever it went away. Not because hand jobs are, like, the most awesome thing that can happen to a gentleman, but because sex between two consenting adults can get stuck in a rut in an instant, you know? So if we’ve got some other way to mix it up, why not mix it up? WHY NOT BRING THE HAND-JOB BACK?

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It is in this spirit that I present to you some advice on said hand-job or la branlette, as it is so called by the French. Not on how to do it, really – I mean, I’m no sex columnist; I’m quite convinced my own hand-jobs are better described as an unenthused, absent-minded touching of the male penis (as though there’s any other kind of penis!) My intention is to speak about location: Where ought you to perform a hand-job vs. where ought you not to perform a hand-job. And by “hand-job” I do mean your own unenthused, absent-mined touching of the male penis.

Where you SHOULD perform a hand-job:

1. In the bedroom: This is obvious, I know, but I thought I’d be remiss in not including it.

2. In a car: This, lest it bears mention, can happen if and only if you’re not the one who’s driving. Road head, in my opinion, is moronic. Honestly. It’s like, “Oh, yes. Why don’t I do something to distract a driver WHILE placing my head in a position that insures that if there is a crash, my skull’s there to serve as an airbag!” Please. If you’ve got a taste for danger, you’re better off playing some condom-less equivalent of Russian Roulette: How much unprotected sex can you indulge in before you get pregnant or diseased. A hand-job, on the other hand (ha!) is better. It spices up your car ride if that’s what you’re in the mood for, but manages to do so with a slightly lower risk of death or brain damage. Yay!

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3. At a private, lovers’ picnic: You and your significant other pack a picnic lunch, then go enjoy your picnic lunch in some remote corner of remote park – we don’t want children around – and in lieu of dessert, treat the dude to a hand-job! This is an especially smart plan for those looking to lose weight. Fewer calories, more exercise. Win, win. What’s not to love!

Where you should NOT perform a hand-job:

1. If you’re near your parents: Eww. Please don’t do this. If you and your gentleman have occasion to visit your parents, if your parents come to visit you, if you all go on vacation together, do not start jerking off your boyfriend, I beg you. I beg you on behalf of your parents, who, it’s quite possible will have foot the bill for that evening’s dinner. I mean, what if they hear you for god’s sake? It’s simply an unacceptable way of saying thank you.

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2. If you’re in a single-stall public restroom: This is unacceptable. It’s simply rude, you see, using the space for that amount of time, if it’s the only one available. However: If you yourself are an especially adept hand-job giver, or, conversely, if you’re boyfriend has the ability to finish with lightening speed, then you may administer a hand-job in a single-stall public restroom. I’m talking lightening speed, though, okay? Like he’s the Superman of fast ejaculation.

3. In a rocket, or one of those weightless astronaut training rooms: A lack of a gravity and a presence of stray ejaculate is an unwelcome mix. Do what you can to avoid it.

Sara Barron is the author of People Are Unappealing and the forthcoming Eating While Peeing: and other adventures.

 

 

 

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