Advice

Why Phone Sex Beats Skype Sex

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Aaron and Josh are two guy friends who have a podcast in which they try to answer questions about dating, romance, relationships, sex, and the vagueries of human interaction. (“If you’re not a straight cismale, then we (may) have the answers you’re searching for.”) They’ll be writing a weekly post on The Date Report expanding on some of the topics covered in their weekly podcast.  

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On this week’s podcast, we talked to a listener who thought she was getting surreptitiously solicited for phone sex. I think we’ve all been there. All the same, my first reaction to this question was a little bit of pride, because at least it wasn’t Skype (or any other kind of video chat). The only sure thing about communications technology is that someone will have sex using it, and at first blush it seems the more you get the better. However, I’d like to offer a few reasons why you should keep your Macbook closed (most of the time) and stick to the Alexander Graham Bell Special, especially if you’re in a long distance relationship.

1. The Power of Imagination

It’s not just for PBS anymore. Let’s say you’re trying to maintain a sex life with a newly-distant partner. If you’re depending on video chat, your entire sex life is predicated on low-quality streaming video in poor lighting with terrible sound quality. That person being transmitted to you through what appears to be a potato– that’s not the person you were, until recently, fucking on the regular. If we’re just using audio (or text– we’ll get to that later) there’s an invitation there to imagine your partner as you remember them, i.e., a real physical presence. Instead of trying to use imperfect technology to simulate the presence of another person, leverage the truly insane power of memory.

2. Convenience

The barrier to entry for video chat sex is pretty high– you need a computer with a webcam, some nice lighting, a good setup that makes you feel comfortable while still affording a relatively good view for your partner, privacy, a set schedule that ensures both parties have enough time… that’s a pretty big investment. You know what you need for phone sex. A phone. Call up your partner out of the blue and see what they’re up to. If you can find some privacy for 5-15 minutes, no matter where you are, you’re all set. And even can’t find privacy, if your partner can, then they can just do all the talking (don’t knock it til you’ve tried it). Part of the excitement of building a sexual rapport with another person is the spontaneity that comes with comfort of really knowing someone else. Relying on video chatting saps that spontaneity; strategic use of audio does the opposite.

3. Sexting

Sexting is maybe the best thing to happen to the collective sex life of humans since “Sexual Healing.” It’s communication at the speed of thought– instead of waiting until you’re at home to tell your partner that you’ve been thinking about fucking them all day, just tell them that you’re thinking of fucking them right now. You get the instant thrill of sending something patently illicit, then the slow burn thinking of them reading it, the (fun) anxiety of waiting for the response, and the obvious payoff of your partner’s reaction. And then you just keep trading back and forth, like, all day. For as long as you want! It’s an instantaneous connection that’s also constant. Part of what’s hard about a long distance relationship is not feeling included in your partner’s day-to-day. When you’re swapping seven dirty messages a day, that’s much less of a problem.

4. You can (and should!) still video chat

Look, I’m not saying I don’t see the merits of Skype. Not all of us turn balls of anxiety and self-consciousness when we get in front of a camera. Some of us are more visual than others. I’m not telling you to throw out your HD camera. But being far away from someone you want to fuck means you can’t fuck them, and that’s difficult for everyone involved. You have to bring out all the guns to keep things not just sufficient but interesting, make you not just satisfied but excited about it.

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