I know nothing about horoscopes. Well, actually I know a lot about horoscopes given that I read mine every month and it tells me exactly what to do. I’ve been reading my horoscope so long that I think that I should be able to divine what your future is going to be like from the stars. Either that or this is complete bullshit. Whatever. Don’t believe it. But when you lose the one shot at love that I have foreseen, don’t blame me.
Aries (Mar 21–Apr 19)
In the tenth hour, a former flame will send you a text message, but it will not be clear whether the text message is a group text message or a message intended only for you. Your venture will be most successful if you wait until the third week in April to respond. Use this time to center yourself and pursue new interests, like ceramics, or writing Yelp reviews.
Taurus (Apr 20–May 20)
You will meet a suitor in an unexpected place. The suitor will then request to connect with you on LinkedIn.
Gemini (May 21–June 20)
The new moon will give you an opportunity to travel to a romantic and beautiful destination near a mountain. An old friend from school whom you have not spoken with in many years will resurface with important news. (The news is a destination wedding.)
Cancer (June 21–July 22)
You will build an important new relationship, either with a romantic partner or a business associate, or possibly with a dog. The placement of Mars (Mars is the name of the dog) means that you are now in a prime position for taking new risks. If you have been considering a major purchase, like a new home or cute spring trench, now is the time to make it.
Leo (July 23–Aug 22)
April is a time to seek out new experiences personally, professionally, and in the bedroom. Seize the opportunity to experiment and break old habits. An attractive stranger will catch your eye by the 23rd. Sleep with them, but do not lend them your umbrella; it is a nice umbrella, and they will not return it.
Virgo (Aug 23–Sept 22)
You will partake in a remarkable meal with a remarkable person before the full moon. Order the white wine. The red wine will stain your teeth, and you will feel stupid. Boldness will be rewarded, especially in the first two weeks of April, so do not be afraid to ask for what you want, especially during sexual intercourse, but also at restaurants.
Libra (Sept 23–Oct 22)
You will make plans of an ambiguously romantic nature. The day of the plans, you will want to cancel the plans, because you are tired. Do not cancel plans.
Scorpio (Oct 23–Nov 21)
Support from Saturn makes this a good month to tackle a difficult project, like revamping your online dating profile, or finishing your taxes, which are due April 15th. You will share a passionate moment near a body of water. A new Indian restaurant will open in your neighborhood. (Try the chicken vindaloo.)
Sagittarius (Nov 22–Dec 21)
A professional contact will become a personal contact. With Mars in retrograde, now is an ideal time to take stock of your priorities. You can have everything you want, but not all at once. Consider buying new sheets. You will use them.
Capricorn (Dec 22–Jan 19)
Jupiter’s position (Jupiter is the name of your vibrator) puts you at the height of your erotic powers, so allow yourself to enjoy being the object of multiple affections. A decision that seems like a mistake in the first week of April will prove wise by the fourth. Your newfound confidence may make you brash, especially around the time of the new moon. Double-check the phone number you are sexting.
Aquarius (Jan 20–Feb 18)
You will take a major step forward in an important relationship, but may encounter unsolicited resistance from a trusted friend, thanks to the placement of Venus (Venus is the very strange lady who hangs out on your front stoop). Stay strong. You will be the subject of a Craigslist missed connection.
Pisces (Feb 19–Mar 20)
Seeds you plant early this month will begin to bear fruit by early June, either literally or emotionally. A chance encounter on public transportation will lead to a promising new commitment. You may need a swimsuit.